LG thought

changes

2011-03-12T21:46:00.001-08:00

It has been a really long time since i wrote. So many people gone.....new people here. I'm grateful and want to have peace. I move through these stages of grief. I know that I am stronger. I miss Mary....probably always will. What does it take to create a new life? Letting go...continuously letting go. I know a few things. That love doesn't die.....that death is just a veil...that I have made alot of mistakes and I am growing......I forgive myself/I hope others can as well.......that it will not be the same..........that most people don't keep promises to those who are dying.....only a few do......that love is there when you least expect it.......that experience in life is valuable.....even if it hurts like hell.....that sometimes new love is not good enough.....that sometimes you have to go back to what you know and can trust. I have devotion to God and reverance for the teachers.....

It seems that time passes and then it doesnt'

2008-05-12T18:28:00.000-07:00

It is the 3rd month since Mary's passing and the experience seems to be getting more difficult. I don't know what it is....some folks have moved on....other people don't know what to say. Others I don't hear from and don't have very much energy to reach out at the moment. The body has been sick the last week and I'm tired beyond words. I so believe in the divinity of love and life.....the experience of unity of all. I love so big and am so fortunate to have had Mary-our love together. This is still present in life...in our home. The learnings are available if one remains open to them. I just don't know how to recognize all of this when I feel so alone at night....it is as if my heart has broken......many reasons written on my heart. Grief does weird things. I keep hanging in there....figuring out the right actions...the right prayers,....the words to sooth. I sit in Mary's chair....go up and bury my face in her cloths to smell her and feel comforted by her presence in a physical sense. Will it be like my brother....will the smell slowly fade over time. He feels closer to me than ever.....It as if his spirit lives within me. Mary is quiet.....there is a level of sadness perhaps it is mine and a projection of the emotional pain at the moment. Fortunately, emotions are just that....they pass. It is about giving it time...knowing that right now I have no plans for life other than to get through each day accomplishing something. Work is good...I feel competent there. hard to do public speaking wthout a voice so I began antibiotics. Pearl is sick again. She won't eat the medicine. Not sure what to do. I hope she gets better...we keep going to the vet. I wish I had some wonderful amazing commentary for this phase of grieving. I guess it would be....mercy and compassion for one's self. So HUM. i am......I am.....I am not the body, I am not the emotions, I am not the mind.....I am I am .... I am the soul. Know this and be whole. I am love, I am peace, I am a child of God, i am love, I am .....just I am. This is all. Thinking of a happy event, Mary and My first kiss...bring it to the heart...share it with all.......loving again...loving all....loving God....knowing that as each of us is one...when one suffers we all do. Bless us all...love, lg

Day on the Road-New experiences at home

2008-04-29T20:24:00.000-07:00

Adjustment; I started out at 7am this morning and home at 9:30pm. Long ass work day. Meditation this am.....ususally keeps me sane. Lately, home is too quiet and I think I'm readying myself for some new experience and moving toward the yoga space that would have more energy within these walls. It will be a place for my meditation group and for me to take up the space upstairs with yoga. I've gotten to enjoy the bed of late. Cutting off 16 inches...making the temperpedic from a King to a Queen has been an exorcism of the cancer part.(yes I am a country girl who didn't want to buy a new bed so I cut the old one with a sharpened bread knife-thank you Racheal for your help) Mary's sweat was orange during the chemo and stained so much...she would sweat alot at night. So I kept the love making part of our bed and cut off the place that was about pain and immobility and breaking things. I carried the 16 by 80 inch piece of foam and pitched it down three floors to the earth.....something so big to do and when it hit...it hardly made a sound.....made the bed up and tucked the king size stuff underthe bed to make a queensize experience. As I free myself from angst...though some one said today....for God sake's LG you are human.....I free myself to feel the grief of the last couple of months. My jaw has stopped spasming as much when I cry cause I'm trying to relax and rub my chin and jaws so they relax. Ive never had the level of tears that I've experienced of late.

Someone said the famous words "you'll get through this" to which I've started to say..."through what" to that. Yes, emotions come and go, so do thoughts, so do pains and lonliness and fears and joys......this is my life.....the life of being here alone in the quiet with just the silence....my master chanting OM the cats on the desk and me....trying to figure out how to exercise enough, get work done....eat smaller amts/healthy'r things and who to call that I haven't called lately cause I don't want to be the vortex of unmet need. I could call 80-100 people and the fact is that the one person I want to call and talk over my day with is Mary. The other people I love, glad to experience, help me to remember how to breathe...that life is good, that I'm lucky and grateful for their love. Say things that I hang onto like a rope off the edge of a cliff and make me remember that I'm not supposed to get over it...there are no rule....that considering what life has been like the last couple of years....it is no wonder that I'm feeling stuff. How to accept this life that has been delt....to focus on what/who is here.....to try to include all from the past as part of what brought me to now and be open to possibility of the future....cause I really got no plans or dreams at the moment. They died when Mary did and I've got to figure how to have dreams/plans hopes. Man I miss Mary so much.....I can't even begin to say......

In the last two days, Al's answering machine got zapped in a lightning storm and Rose turned off Mary's cell phone. I asked her to keep it on.........it was bundled with two others and they are both still on........one more thing to grieve I guess. Just add it to the list. I would call and leave her messages when I missed her...it was a comfort to hear her voice. Al is really upset as those were the last two recordings we had of Mary's voice. Her cell and Al's machine. It is on the answering message at home....but very short...just the number. I can't imagine changing this. I'm hoping I can find other snippits of her talking. I tried to video tape her at home...but each time we started....we'd start to cry as it was confirmation she was not going to live. We tried so hard to stay in the positive frame of mind. We did for the most part I think......I sure wish we had said screw it and just run away for a month together. I'm not sure when that would have been as it seemed we were always dealing with some sort of health crisis...whether it was surgeries, chemo side effects...Mary trying to work and help the business or something. I'm taking a video class at apple to try to help retrieve video's we have...even if it is just a minute of her talking...it is still good. Toward the end I felt like I was caring for her so she could work....it wore her out so much....yet she still went there for her clients. She worried so much about the business.

Well, I have alot to do at the moment....I have to get up early so I'm off to bed soon. Thank you to all who read....... xoxo lg

One month later

2008-04-28T19:20:00.000-07:00

I wear four bracelets at the moment: one that says Love; 2nd: live bold(trust your instincts); 3: Yes I can; 4: I'm always with you. I got two for Mary York in 2006 and two for me recently. Most of the time I'm okay....lately the quiet alone time that I so craved much of my life has been difficult. When I meditate I feel okay...when I don't I feel okay but not as good as when I do meditate. I feel Mary's presence around me.....each moment...sometimes each breath I take. Holding on to small nuances as the days pass....I'm really looking forward to spending time with my Mom and especially going on vacation in June. It has been a long time since I've just had time to loaf. I'm toying with not taking a computer which would be a huge thing. I sometimes go most of the day without talking to someone except the cats. They are right by me most of the time....even pearl has taken to visiting in the daylight which is unusual for her. Not much has changed since my last writing except I'm no longer angry...just resigned. Focusing on who is here.....who I love and who I can count on. We are all evolving...we all make mistakes....it is part of life....god loves us-the god the not so good and the really terrible. I forgive and let go.....Atma Namaste. I say this each and every day. It is good that I know emotions are just that.....that I'm not the emotions, the thoughts or any other "thing" except the soul. This brings me great comfort. My soul mate is still here....just can't touch her or hear her talk with a voice that is audible in nature.

I still remember Mary's passing as one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. The other was when we first kissed. I'm lucky in love and lucky to have found my sole mate...in Mary York. I miss her so much.....the nights between 9pm and 11pm are the hardest....normally I'd be helping Mary get to bed, helping her undress, lifting her into bed. tucking her in and kissing her gently. I took to kissing her arms and hands as they were the only place that was not sore or in risk of breaking. I even kissed her arm before I closed the casket. Funny how I had to do everything...this body I had loved so many times....I had to be there to clean her up after she died....I could not leave for four hours....God bless Mom, Cat, Bonnie and Mel for sitting there with me.....I had to put her jewelry on and take it off....I covered the body and locked the casket. I closed the door when the hurst drove away. Mel and I put her ashes in the urn from the cardboard box in which they came. How do you say good by to what you have cherished. I'm not sure as I think I will always be married to Mary York.

Mary knew me so well. May 3rd is my brothers birthday...June 2nd is the death date. It is like it is wedged in my internal time clock and I become slowed in most things. She would say just get through the spring...she loved it so that it helped me through this time. Just be gentle with myself....I try and will continue to love myself no matter what state I am in. I just know that I will be okay.....I've been left here in this plane for some reason. The key is to figure it out.

I'm off to Springfield in the am...i guess I should get home before long. Yoga class was nice tonight. love, lg

What to write...how to have the experience

2008-03-28T21:39:00.000-07:00

A friend told me to focus on what I have not what I don't.....sage advice and some that I agree with. It has been twom months since Mary passed and 3 weeks since my father. Many who were around alot are not as it becomes time to move back into life and it's becomes tiring for me to be a vortex of need.....grief sometimes feels like that. Last night I just wanted someone to tell me it'd be okay.....that all the love that had been shared would sustain me (it is)....that betrayal of Mary's trust and wishes is a bad dream that one will wake up from.....that the good will was not a lie and that people will do the right thing. Don't let anyone take your power.....people show you who they are.....believe them. God I just wish I could talk to Mary York and it would be okay. Obviously shit has been hitting the oscillator....I'm trying to duck out of the way. I just want my family back.

Another friend told me that stupidity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I'm someone who doesn't know how to do revenge nor want to...generally thinks the best of folks and their intensions. This is not always the way of the world......I'm finding this out by lessons learned.....

I've made Mary's office ours and am moving my bedroom to the front room. I hope this will bring new opportunities.....angst over Mary's estate is the last thing that I want or need... Mary would be appalled if she was here. I am too tired to refereee my own fight so I will let ohter go it for me.....I need to go to bed. love, lg

Time is a friend and not

2008-02-23T05:44:00.000-08:00

It has been over a week since I have writen. I'm back from my first week back at work and very tired. I'm caught up in the feeling of wanting to talk with Mary, the sense of waiting. Sometimes it is waiting for her to call, to walk in, to hear her voice, to feel better, sometimes it is waiting for the next wave of sadness when I'm joyful, sometimes it is for joy to come, many times it is just waiting to figure out what to do next. I have had three dreams since Mary's passing. One my mother drove accross the backyard at my parents house in my old Datsun B210...it was royal blue with red/white stripe..1977 so for the bicentenial colors. I opened the door and my Dad was in the back seat. I asked him where she had the car...he said i don't know...she keeps alot of stuff. Mom said, "I kept this for you cause I thought you might need it". Funny how I left home in that car to go to college and became an adult. I asked Mom how she survived my brothers death, she said "I don't think I did, part of me died when he did". It is one of the wisest things I have ever heard. Part of me died when Mary did as it represented the end of a life that I counted on...mine and hers as partners in this physical plane. I have to start over and build a life that will be mine and different. One doesnt' lose what one had.......but it just is a new life now. Sometimes I'm excited about it.....other times I just don't know. The things that are freeing are the things that are really weird. Like, who should I list as an emergency contact. Every time I travel for work, I have to list this. If something happens to me.....I don't want them to call my Mom. Who do I call when I get off the plane to tell them I'll be home in 45 minutes from the airport. How do I cook for one person and who cares anyway.

The 1st dream.....I was looking for Mary and could not find her. The other my Ex was dying and I could do nothing to stop it. Go figure......

I cannot figure out if there is something I'm supposed to learn, do or be from this experience. I know I am strong, have a more open heart, more compassion, more everything....more graditude.....I'm having to learn how to live differently from the physical standpoint...that of finances and just the way I am in my body. It feels good to be physically active. i realized I had slowed to Mary's pace in so many ways of doing things....then I would be really fast to get things done when on my own. Both were out of balance. So, I'm moving more and this feels good. I actually bought a pair of tennis shoes. For those of you who know me, this is a rare experience as I think they are not proper shoes. However, I like them alot and feel springy in them.

I was told that the next experience may happen but was not sure how to be ready for it....

People who were around the most are gone......some of our close people cannot see me not returning calls because it hurts to much. How weird is that. I get it but I also know that the only way we heal is together. I feel abandoned but some but knowing that chasing after someone is an old pattern that I chose not to repeat. So I've decided not to put energy there by calling and just know people will come back as they can. There are others who call daily if they haven't heard from me and meet me where ever my emotional state is....if I am happy they are too, if I'm crying they cry with me...if I'm busy they are okay with me talking later. For this I am so grateful....some call when they are having a hard time...this is okay too as it makes me not feel alone in my grief....I may stop folks if I can't go there at the moment...i.e. I have to be on for something like work/talk etc. I'm so grateful for this intimacy of friends that developed through Mary's experience ... she has left me with such gifts. I have difficulty when I say I'm okay and people say "really?" Well actually....yes at this moment. Call at 3 am and you might get a different story....but both are part of the process. Someone called and said talked about the first month aniversary and how they wanted to be there for me, that it would be a hard day, etc, etc,....I actually had not thought about it cause I'm more focused on minute by minute. Now I'm aware that today is the first month....it seems such a short time ago that I kissed her coffin and closed the door. Mel (god love her) came over last night and we transferred Mary's ashes from the cardboard box to an urn. We cried, tried not to spill any, chanted Om Mani Padme Hum.....sat on the bed holding hands with our feet on each other and talking about Mary.

Elizabeth, Mary's cleaning lady for 20 years was over a few weeks back and I showed her the ashes in the cardboard box. Thank God I did cause she told me this story about how she had knocked a box off the mantle and it had opened scattering dirt everywhere....she had put as much as she could back and vacuumed the rest.....the man returned home and said it was his mother. OMG...... I have a beautiful altar set up in the bedroom next to the bed. It gives me comfort in the night. Elizabeth also told me I was a young woman and would take another lover...that I would have to put Mary in the closet cause she couldn't not be in the room. I thought, have you ever actually thought about putting Mary in the Closet....well, one doesn't ever contemplate that experience. She was the most out person I know. I was proud to be on her arm and proud of her. I miss her so much, there are no words for this................................
'

Visiting Marilyn in Montana and spending time at my bosses house was lovely....they had lovely spaces set up for me to be...I cried when I walked into Marilyn's home and saw the care/the welcome.....my boss had 600 thread count sheets.....I've never slept on anything so soft in my life. Marilyn has a lovely place and such comfort in her presence and in her living space. The eyes, light, space and organization...for me this was Zen. I would like to have this at home and have been inspired to work towards that goal: esp, office. The sensory experience of touch is one that I have missed and miss from Mary. The last two years I have looked to friends for big hugs...as these could potentially break Mary's back or ribs. I developed elaborate pillow towers to support my weight as we slept so I could lay next to her. I enjoyed spooning her back the last month so I could be a human chair for her to sit up on the edge of the bed. One memory I cherish from the last day of her life was sitting in her hospital bed with her and acting as her back rest...her back resting on my torso to be able to sit up. I was able to kiss her shoulders and tell her I loved her with my physical presence.

I did spend time with a yoga buddy which was good but difficult. She has somewhat of a shrine that is her house to her family who passed before her. It didn't feel like her in the house except for the island of her bedroom....it was an oasis of light. This is one of my biggest fears......of getting stuck in the grief....what to keep what to not keep. How to have my home......do I keep our bedroom as it is....do I move downstairs, do I use Mary's office or mine....sometimes our bedroom is a sanctuary...sometimes I can hardly walk into the room. What if I change something and it doesn't feel right........Our king bed will not fit downstairs..only a full or a queen....it is too hot for me downstairs as I sleep best when it is about 62-65 and our tenants like it at 70 which just costs more for my heating bill but they don't like it colder at night. This or that...monkey mind. I promised Mary that I would take a year with no big changes and am seeking counsel about this.....How do I honor our relationship...feel comforted by our love/our home/ our oasis and move forward with life.....I know one thing......Mary will always be a part of my life and my heart. I'm grateful to feel her and feel her presence ...especially during meditation. I don't want her to lower her vibration to come down here....it takes alot for the soul to do this. So, I have to increase my vib to go up and see her. I figure that is why she has not been in my dreams....I can access her in the conscious plane where others can only do it when they are asleep. I do know it takes alot of her energy...thus I want her to use it to assend to higher planes...thus I do not ask her to visit. I figure the higher she goes, the better life we have next time around. I do believe we will be together again.

Mary was able to leave two hours after she made the formal decision and told the doctor....To be able to exit the body, two hours after you say you are done, now that is good karma...no more suffering when you decide you are done. Most people never have that choice...and she did make a choice about living or dying. My aunt Sue has been saying that she wished she would die for 15 years...she will be 96 in march. I'd prefer Mary's way...make that final decision and poof...you done.

Well, Iv'e been writing for awhile and I need to go see Al....i'm looking forward to seeing he and the family....the drive upthere....I'll cry...I know this cause I always drive to her Dad's with her.

Thank you for keeping up ....for your prayers and love, xoxox lg

So not over...to begin

2008-02-14T06:55:00.000-08:00

My friend Marilyn has encouraged me to keep writing. The last two years have been about Mary, I so wanted the visitiation and funeral to be about Mary's life, honoring her. This we accomplished. Now it is about me and I'm not sure how to organize that. It seemed like if there was a goal for which I could have a cognitive, emotional, physical and spiritual imput I okay. It was a big deal healing, caring for, being present for Mary. It was what she needed and I was there....many people were there for us. I am so grateful for all the love, caring, being there that was a part of it....but now what.

Mom and I traveled home the 31st of Jan/Thur and it took us 26 hours. We finally pulled into Quincy at 3pm on Friday. Dad was so glad to see us. It turns out that on the 23rd that his blood pressure took a nose dive but he rallied for which I am grateful not to have the same death date for my father as for Mary. I made nursing home rounds for my godmother, godfather, father and had a nice talk with my Aunt. She will be 96 in March and has lost two great loves of her life. One from young days....they had 43 years to gether and he has been gone 30. She feel in love the second time at 85 years old and had a lovely 5 year relationship with Art. He was 90 and died at 96. The were lovely together and I quite abit of time with them in their apt talking about life. My aunt called this love her senior love and when I asked her how Art made her feel she said that no matter what she did it was if Art was proud of her all the time. The look in their eyes and the smiles they gave to each other was heart warming and full of love. I asked two of their friends who had been together for 60-some years what was the secret to their marriage. The female half said "well, there are in love times and out of love times....when the out of love times hit.....you just have to remember that the in love times come back.....you fall in love all over again" her husband's reply was "sometimes I had to hide her shoes" This took me a minute to get but his wry humor gave me a belly laugh that still makes me smile today.

The last 3 weeks have been like birth. I realize how tired I am, how much I am glad Mary is out of pain, how I have no what if's cause I truely believe that we did everything we could, that I did everything I could and that there were no more stones left unturned....that I did so right by Mary York...........I expected her last day to be filled with I love you and words.....I realize that we had said everything to each other the last two years. Her last day was the process of dying. I so am glad for the words we mouthed to each other.....she said "I love you baby" to which I looked her in the eye and said I love you too. One other time she woke up and winked at me. What a way to go out of this life.

I will tell you that the moment she died it was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced...like being on a mountain top lifted by angels...the room filled with light and I felt like giant angel wings enclosed over us and pulled her from the shell of the body. I just keep saying go baby, go. go baby go...... I realized everyone was crying and then I cried. I was able to sit with the body for four hours.....Mom, Bonnie, Cat and Mel sat with us. I did not want her moved. It was surreal to feel how detached I was from the body....this body whom I loved, made love to, cared for, my heart skipping a beat to hear the voice, to see the body walk into a room, to feel comforted in all.....it wasn't Mary any more...she was gone. It was good..she was out of pain. I don't wish that back. I wish Mary was here....but I don't wish her back..... More later...love, lg

A day of arrangements

2008-01-24T19:13:00.000-08:00

The information....

Sunday Visitation 1-6pm
1/27/08
Drake and Son Funeral Home 5303 N Western Avenue

Monday Funeral 11am
Unity Church of Chicago
1925 W. Thome

Internment-Private

Donations are requested in memory of mary to one of the following:

www.methodisthealth.com/foundation
The prostate and renal cancers Discovery Fund-corporate Matching May Apply

The Methodist Foundation
P.lO. Box 4384
Houston, Texas 77210-4384
Phone: 832-667-5816
In memory of Mary M York
Notify:
LaGenia Bailey
6070 N Hermitage
Chicago, IL 60660

LCCP
www.lccp.org

The American Cancer Society
http://www.cancer.org/

Feed The Soul Program-homeless feeding program/disaster relief/indigent housing programs
http://www.feedyoursoul.org/

love you all, xoxox lg

Things I could

2008-01-21T20:42:00.000-08:00

I could not have my hand be intravenous
to give Mary the fluids she needed
though I wanted to.....

My body could not be a shield
from the inner invader
strenght be found within, around us
fight we have

I could not protect her enough
to save her from the pain.....

I could not maintain the delusion of
unlimited time
Cancer robbs you of this fantesy

I could not stop the destruction of our
future together, through thought or prayer
vision I hold
of possibility of time

I can live in each moment with Mary
We are lucky to find the love of a lifetime
Lifetimes......to find truth, compassion, acceptance
committment, love, generosity and passion on all levels of being..

I am grateful to find the love of my life
The person who makes you want to be a better person
and helps you accomplish that goal
To have my heart opened wide & pray that it stays that way

To feel better just be be in the same room
She told me to go home tonight from the hospital
I only want to be with her......

The view from the room, of the city so beautiful
The lights on her hospital bed flicker green
I feel like I'm half way to heaven
The irony of the oncology units, high up in the city

We have been both teacher and student for each other
We have the gift of great love, and respect
We have learned from each other
Balancing who we are, have become

I can take care of her with love
Knowing that I can never do enough
to balance the love and gentleness she deserves
That I can touch her with love....even when wiping her butt

She apologizes for the diarrhea, the vomit, the lifting
I tell her, please don't apologize....it is okay....I don't mind
The body ravaged by the effects of cancer.....I kiss her scars
She is still beautiful to me

That I can never protect her enough
to save her from suffering....I suffer with her and ask for strength
to give to her....so that I can care for her

I try to be a conduit for healing
Each day asking for love, healing, guidance and protection
Having to remind myself

I am not the emotions
I am not the thoughts
I am not the body
I am the soul
I am love

This is the gift of true love

This is the greatest gift of all

To my love....mary....I give you all lg

I can't imagine being more tired.............

2008-01-17T21:24:00.000-08:00

Well, yes I can......but we won't go there. It seems that I am moving the the wind of a tornado and I so crave the vortex. A void of spinning. All mary's family have been in...for the one hand it is good...on the other....Mary just needs quiet and rest. So I tore apart the yoga room....set up the TV & I bought in November but never set up....Moved the double bed into the corner and wha la....we have a respite for visitors. When Mary says she is tired....a place to go to give her quiet instead of folks sitting downstairs and watching the big TV. I'm on the couch tonight as Al, Mary's dad was at the motel at the end of the block but it was too cold to tolerate so he is sleeping in our bed upstairs and larry/cindy in the yoga room.

I've fit two weeks of work into a 17 hour day on Tuesday and as much as I could manage the last few days. Can't wait to hit the couch. One of the hardest things it not being able to touch Mary as we sleep. Tonight I laid on her hospital bed as she sat up to take her chemo....a pillow on my stomach and her leaning her full weight on me to be conforitable as she sat. It is hard for her to sit up without support. I was lovely to be so close and to curl my body around her back as she fought to keep the chemo down. She has alot of nausea which is not surprising. They did tell us the first two weeks would be a bear. I've fought with insurance companies today and yelled at everyone to use hand sanitizer....

Pearl walked on my side as I supported mary and wrapped her tail around mary's neck and back . I think she misses us too...She is the best cat. She is here next to me and managed to jsut fall off the book case just now. I'm sure our downstairs tenents are overf us dropping things as it happens more times than not. I think I'll move the massage table downstairs and put my camping sleeping mat on it so that I can lay next to Mary sometimes and just hold her a bit. I've developed a systems involving pillows between us so it support my arm and puts no pressure on her body but yet she knows I'm there. We'll see.

Well, I'm off to bed/couch/pearl on my side. I love you xo lg

We are home from Houston

2008-01-14T08:54:00.000-08:00

I know that when I get really quiet....poop has hit the oscillator. I wrote via email that brain mets were not present and that Mary started a new chemo regimen. What I didn't write is how sick she got in the last 10 days. They call it tumor sick....cause there is no better name for it. Tumor sick means that the body cant handle the load of illness and it starts 3rd spacing water. Mary went from ambulatory to weak Thursday before last to hospitalized friday to confused to OMG. The confusion and weakness progressed until chemo started. She is better.....she can stand with help and is walking now with her walker. Her sister Cindy and brother in law Larry flew to Houston Thursday am to help me as I spent Wed night in a panic cause I was having to lift Mary & the level of decline was precipitous. The confusion has cleared and they started chemo emergently Wed night. They admitted her on intermediate care Thur and did a tune up with blood, thyroid hormone, with lasix and with fluids. So back from the edge we are...Mary is bossing me again....kissing me and thanking me for saving her life. I say it is God and not me.

The Chemo regimen is high dosages of two medicines. In 9 previous patients 80% were PET Negative...meaning the tumors were there but there were no growth activity within 8 weeks. We would then stay on the regimen indefinitely....giving the body more time to heal. These two weeks will be intense as when cancer dies it has a fit. When the stuff works....the body gets better in two-three weeks....or back from the edge. The rest is about healing.

I'm still working....mary is not. I may ask for folks help just to be here till I find a reliable source of person to stay with Mary when I cannot be here. Cindy is staying the week and we have other relatives coming in Tuesday to help.

May I sent out a special thankyou to Cindy, Larry, Jason, Gary, Rose, Linda, Mel, Scorby, Supie and Lennie. Linda made sure we had a hospital bed and equipment set up upon our arrival home, Gary was here for delivary and cooked us a beautiful dinner last night; Scorby-fed our cats and prayed when we were getting mary up the stairs; Cindy and Larry-took the first flight out at 7am after my 11pm call and didn't leave our side; Supie-saved mary's life by finding the right health care; Rose-stayed here and cooked/helped mary when Jason and I ran all over chicago looking for a lift chair; Larry and Jason-took a pickup truck to NorthBrook so mary could have a lift chair last night; Lennie, Mel, Larry and Jason; carried Mary up the stairs in a wheelchair with me having a breakdown and yelling at them to be careful; Al-Mary's dad paid for the lift chair; Cindy-continues to be here and helps me make sure Mary can get to the bathroom and is doing out laundry/taking down the xmas tree/and feeding Mary so I can work.

This all in the last two days......I can't tell you how much I appreciate everything people continue to do and support us. love, lg

I'll be sending out an affirmation prayer soon via email.

Thank you for being there...thankyou for all

It is a beautiful sunny day here in Chicago

2007-12-30T09:30:00.000-08:00

Mary and I occasionally have to have come to Jesus talks. Her's usually involves taking better care of myself, getting some time for myself and issues about food. Mine usually involve taking better care of herself, exercising the body, and issues about food. They do sound kind of the same. We are going to try and get out of the house today. She would like to go for a walk. If she walks behind the wheelchair then shen she gets tired she can sit and I'll push her. This allows me to get some cardiovascular cause I can cook it and use my arms too. All in all a good deal. My Mom keeps bugging me to cook less, have less people here etc. Thing is.....a little triangulation is good for us...having someone here occasionally keeps our life at bay and gives us more to consider and focus on....when like gets hard....give to others. Whether attn, time etc. I feel like my attn is so much on Mary that I have to remind myself the normal courtesy....How are you? What is going on in your life? Happy Birthday...Happy Holidays....What's up?. I cannot remember the last time Mary and I were out at a resturant. I know it was before thanksgiving. I've been out when doing talks and with a physician on Dec 11th. The kids at breakfast this week with Mom. I actually don't miss too much in this but keep waiting for a change of pace in someway.....for Mary to get better. This I think is a problem....we need to stop waiting and just live life as best we know how. Mary wants to go to Ixtapa....it has always been a place we enjoy so much....question is when? Now! I've been recommended to go to Vennice in July with the company(don't know if I'll get the gig but it is nice to be recommended).....I would so love Mary to be able to go as well as others. We were going to go to Italy in 2006 as a vacation. We haven't taken a vacation since this started except for her coming to San Diego last March...she was pretty sick from the chemo so we spent most of the time in our room....it did have an ocean view which was lovely. Austin was the vacation from Hell due to the broken leg so I'm hoping we get some gentle time together accompanied by friends. 8 days till Houston...counting down. If anyone is interested Master Cho is doing a New Years day Meditation for Peace at 12 noon Central. Let me know via email. Let me know how you are as I love to get pieces of your life. much love, lg

Friday night and all is well

2007-12-28T18:24:00.000-08:00

Mary and I are sitting her with My Mom. It has been really nice to have Mom here for a few days. She said she felt like she had ran away from home. We have just ran errans together and I've cooked. Yesterday we went to walkers pancake house with the twins and sir ben. Ben is 5 now and the twins are 3 1/2 years old. Maddie had on pink cowboy boots and Tommie ate 6 plates of food. He outweights his older brother by 2 pounds. Mom took a small pancake off his plate thinking there was no way he could eat it...he looked at her with shock and told her directly that he wanted it. Needless to say the boy is growing and for all he eats he is lean and a sweet heart. I'm very blessed to have the kids in my life and to feel like we are a family. Family is so much about choice of folks rather than blood. For some folks it is blood...I miss my family but feel that family is chosen as well as blood. It seems that my blood family has been out of reach either because of distance, death or because of the lack of connection. We all seem to just hover in our orbits and sometimes we meet and sometimes we don't. I don't get it cause it is all I've ever wanted. Mary and my relationship is the first time in my life that I feel like I have made a family....my family is with her, our friends and family.

Mary is hanging in there. We are up and down in our emotions, our intensities and our dreams. Sometimes we feel like we have all the time in the world and othertimes we are grabbin at minutes. If we stay in the moment...it's okay. If we think about anything else....it gets confusing. We have 11 days till our appt in houston. We are counting down and can't wait to get started. We just feel it is a race against the thing that controls so much in our life. Can't do it...can't let it control....got to live with it and keep fightin. I go out in the kitchen....try to keep on top of things as much as I can....be a worthwhile employee.....and do as much as I can to make things right and loving. Even when I don't feel right....I try to act as if until it changes. Emotions are energy....energy always changes. I just love Mary York. Love you all, lg

Good Evening Lovies

2007-12-26T18:25:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas Everyone....I hope time together with family and friends has been good and fulfilling. Mary and I just stayed home and hung out together. We watched a Fireplace DVD most of the day. Mary made fun of me when I purchased this video a few years ago. Somehow perspectives change when one can't move around alot. This season brings with it hope, light and possibility. Mary and I hold the possibilities of life and all this brings. Thank you for being in our life and for supporting us in the way that you do. We love you, lg

Mary is 52 yesterday.....

2007-12-22T21:35:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here at Mary's Dad's house. It has been full of lots of kids, food, people and holiday crazies. Mary and her sister Cindy went for a walk outside and I was tackled by Al wanting to know all about Mary. It caught me a little off-guard but I have always been honest with him and will continue to do so. I felt a little defensive but again realized that I do the same thing just because I care about Mary so much that I want the best for her. Thus, I understand the heat of the grill. We all love her so..... Mary has had 3 birthday cakes and lots of singing of well wishes. We all want her to have many more years......

I can't believe it has been the 15th since I wrote. I kicked butt at work this week and did a three day tour of Wisconsin with speaker trainings, talks and driving. I loved the talk I did in Manitowoc....the view from the mental health center was amazing at about 20 feet from the lake. The drives were lovely and after two days of hotel sleeping...I was glad to get home.

Mary's bday was Friday and we spent the day appreciating her life and holding onto each other in the afternoon. She refused to cry the last couple of days though I went out and gave it a good one just to get the irritability out. I'm drinking rose oil in my water. This helps clear red energies of disease as well as anger. (I put this in Mary's water and she gaged). I feel pissed off about everything and nothing the last week or so. She has needed so much more help. Gary and Scorby stayed the night the two that I was gone...each sleeping in the bed with her. She said it was weird but evidently she had to touch Gary in her sleep and Pearl slept on top of Scorby the whole night. I loved that. The thing about asking people for help is that it gives them a chance for intimacy as well. It is a good thing. I had someone say that they didn't want to do yoga with me to preserve some boundries. This saddened me for I have learned that boundries, though good and necessary, are a mixed bag. The have to be there for cultural appropriateness and safety but I also know that for me they have staved off connection which I so craved. I saying that..the boundry queen and yet I've relaxed some so much....and put others up during this time. I had to let go of some friendships which has been hard yet...others have taken off like I would have never thought possible.

I'd like to wish everyone the best of holidays, love, joy, peace and healing in 2008. Thank you for your continued love and committement. Much love and kisses under the mistle toe. xoxoxodxoxoxoxxoxo lg

Chitta Vritti in my head...really good I went to bed

2007-12-15T09:39:00.000-08:00

As I read over my post from yesterday I was exhibiting the classic form of Chitta Vritti or Monkey Mind. Sometimes you just need to have a good night's sleep and the experience of rest. This caregiving gig is making me examine many different parts of myself. What it means to care deeply but not try to fix everything. What it means to be interdependant vs co-dependent from Hell. What it means to have needs with your partner...when your partner has very limited energy to give. What it means to meet your own needs and how that is. I had a long talk with a friend from Saint Louis. She works as a full time healer and with energy shifts as her main work. We talked deeply about detachment as a healthy endeavor for many things in life. That you can still care deeply but how you can give your will over to god and put things overwhich you really can't control into the hands of god and completely let go of the outcome. It allows you to be in the present....it allows you to notice the roses that are present, in bloom, the aroma, the fragrace, the beauty of it all. Take time to smell the roses...this is it. Not get caught up in the emotions or make it about you....cause non of it really is. My tests came out okay yesterday. My vocal cords are a little swollen from acid from the belly. I basically was told to take better care of myself, eat better and nothing to eat for 3 hours before I go to bed. So much for that late night Rice Dream. Meditation would be better anyway.

Later....I've been gone for awhile....Mary is in alot of pain today and thus has needed more help. She fell Tuesday and the body is feeling it the last two days. Nothing broken but this shake ups do not help. I'm asking angels to work on her with some help from pranic healing techniques. It helps. That and 3 Fentanyl patches...dilaudid and norco. We are hanging in there...she is asleep. love, lg

Friday-every one goes to the doctor

2007-12-14T10:29:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone, I don't know how Mary goes without eating so much. I'm always bugging her about it. I have to have a test-today for which I can't eat. I'm craving a granola bar. I haven't written in a while. I guess we are kind of like turtles....we poke our heads out....see what's up...go back in for awhile and hibernate...then attempt to come back out. I've been wanting to have the annual soup party on the first but I'm not sure how to plan anything. I figure those that are here are those that are here and that's fine. It has been a sober week for me. I keep doing stuff, doing stuff, makin food, reading things and it feels like very little makes a difference. The fact is there is some fantesy in my head that I can control something in this whole process. So I've been mourning the loss that "I can do anything" I've lost hope that I can do anything to help this thing. I still have alot of hope....but I really get the information this week that Mary has to be the one to do it, to accept help, to believe. I believe...have faith....if I get out of my own way when doing healing....remember the sound instruction of healing that I don't do any of it anyway and the more detached...the more I become a conduit for energy that is not mine. Energy that is higher than anything one could produce on one's own. I've always turned to food for solice....in some way. Making it, eating it....when I cook it is almost zen. I enjoy it...sing mantra into food when I cook for others....refuse to cook if I'm angry or in a funky mood. I think this gives others indigestion. Since food has been a focus for so long....it is hard for I'm jume to let go and knowing that if I fix food that takes care of me....then it will also take care of Mary. I'm very tired of bugging her about what she eats/doesn't eat. I look at her body and it is so thin....so boney. People keep asking us to go out to breakfast/lunch etc....I don't think they realize that Mary really can't right now. The body hurts too much and sitting in an uncomforitable chair for 2 hours can mean three days of pain. I scout for comfort in chairs for different places we are in...carry cushions/pillows etc. That Zero gravity chair is the best thing I have ever bought for miss mary. She eats there, sleeps there, if I balance correctly I can kiss her (very good yogi). The only other place she is half-way comforitable is in bed with the temperpedic mattress. We took so much for granted in our lives....the abilities to move and to be free of pain. Gary will be here to pick me up. Mary has a Doctors appt today and I will be gorked after my test so he is driving us around. Much love, xo lg

11/6 & 11/7 emails

2007-12-07T15:17:00.001-08:00

11/6 email
Dearest Heart, Yesterday was a very hard day. The cancer has grown with the current treatment and Mary is off the current study. There is two more studies available. One we could do from home, one here for at least 6 months. Both studies are contingent on there being no metastisis to the brain. Her brain was clear in June but they will have to repeat the test in about 3 weeks...we will be back here in 4 weeks to start a different grouping of chemo/therapies. She will be off medicines for 4 weeks prior to the start of the new therapies. I may tweek this prayer in the next few days but right now...need is present. I ask you to print this off and say the prayer for Mary-repeatedly over the next four weeks. To the supreme god, mother father god, all the great ones, through the help and blessings of those who watch over us; healing angels, beings of light-please cleanse & heal the brain of Mary York-may it be completely healthy and remain completely healthy; please heal her on all levels and in all time: please bless us with divine guidance, love, healing and protection....please bless and heal all those with cancer and those who care for them in any way... we thank you for your divine healing and intervention...in full faith...amen

11/7 email
Hi lovies, Mary and I got home about 11pm last night. Thank you so much for all the well wishes, mutual tears, committment to prayer, holding our emotions for us that we can't have right now and offers of support/love/help. Mary and I appreciate them all and are blessed.

I've been thinking, musing about my belief that energy follows thought....what you think is what you become......be careful what you ask for because you might get it. etc...etc. Energy is just energy....it does not have intelligence of it's own. It is through our intension or will or a combination of those to things that energy knows were to go. Course to increase the voltage, it never hurts to invoke the divine to give it a boost. Thank you are a good thing too... Thus, when I sent out the results....I also sent out a positive prayer so that the energy doesn't dwell on the negative...but rather follows the positive towards complete success. I actually looked up the word power in the dictionary: def- energy transfered per unit of time. I was thinking about higher power...the power of thought...how we manifest so much just by this energy...that thoughts have power.

Mary's Mom Arlene was a brilliant woman. She has given me so many examples of how to live in the moment and live well. She found her beloved sister when she died and the image stayed with her for a long time. She told Mary that when she would find that image in her mind that she would sit down on the edge of the bed and replace the image with all the positive ones she could remember...eventually that image was erased from her mind. The power of thought, the power of affirmation, the power of will and of memory. So important.

When I get scared or when things are said that are about negative outcomes....I use my hand and erase the though forms (those of you who read the blog know that someone thought I was waving one time and came over to my car to see what I wanted). I replace them with the best possible thing and then go on. I do this because I don't want my thoughts to influence the energy around Mary in a negative way or around my life. A silent prayer, a thought form affirmative replacement. Please know that I ask for you to erase the thoughts about the results...and turn them into thoughts of complete response, positive outcomes and healing. Energy then follows your thoughts to Mary for complete healing. This what I've talked about previously with believing eyes when people look at her...i.e. you can look at her and think cancer....or you can look at her and think the divine light and love are healing Mary every day with good help from medicines, doctors and all around her that love her. I look at her and think she is the love of my life and I am so lucky.....

love, lg

Mary is Drinking Costrast Media

2007-12-05T08:01:00.000-08:00

We made it to Houston 1/2 hour early...missed the snow. Ate dinner at a great Chinese place downtown.....got to our hotel and Mary was in bed by 9:30. I sent out 30 emails between 9:30 and 11pm but that is how we keep the work-ball rolling and scheduled most of January. Thank god I telecommute as I can work from any time/place. Mary is sitting accross from me drinking two 16 oz containers of contrast media. I pack for us and what I didn't realize is that we totally match today. Once a virgo...always a virgo I think. I have on black shoes, pants, shirt with neon green tie-dye socks and a neon green sweater....she with black pants and sweater with green long sleeved shirt. People keep telling us how good we look and if we planned on dressing alike. I say of course...and then they ask if we are sisters (at least no one this trip has asked if we are mother/daughter-mary hates that).....we then say partners...a few times and then they usually go Ohhh...and nod their head. Then something is said about someone's best friend and I realize that we are in a different world in Chicago and Houston folks are very nice and trying to wrap themselves around diversity. I called the manager of radiology when we got here and he is taking mary into the scans. We are getting the royal...sorry we broke your leg last time.... treatment. I'll take it .....mary asked me what I was trying to accomplish by calling him....my reply was "increased awareness". I want to make sure Mary is safe and to perhaps prevent anyone from the same carelessness/mistake....and the subsequent suffering that comes with that. We are staying at the residence Inn which is closer/cheaper as we got a special rate being patients of amato's. They have more handicapped rooms there than I have ever seen and you can basically roll a wheelchair into the shower. They have a special bus that will take you to your appointment.

I mentioned last eve to someone that I feel calm and nervous all at the same time. We haven
t talked about what we would do if the scans are negative. The next step was to move here for treatment and Mary is talking like she doesn't want to do that. I'm for it as we would rent a place and I'd travel back and forth as people can come down and stay with her for a bit. Hopefully it will be that the scan are good and we are counting on it. Blood counts are not back yet so i don't know if she will need a transfusion yet. We meet with Amato at 2:30pm.

This morning as I was walking to get the car the sun was coming up and it was beautiful here. The day is cool but is jacket weather and scarf if you have a tendency to be cold natureed. I met a woman at the bone scan place who was waiting for her husband. She was my age and her husband was going in on Friday to have more cages placed around his spine as the cancer had moved there. They have four kids....live in kirbyville texas and we were talking about what it is to feel like Mary Poppins. To keep the hope that everything will be alright, to reassure others-their kids -but to feel like you are treading water really fast underneath it all. How it is to sometimes survive on caffiene...how we both look tired around the eyes. How sometimes you just cut your losses and move on if there are vortexes of unmet need that you just can't be there for........what it is to have no complaints because life is about whether or not you live or die based on treatments/resources/cancer. There really is nothing to complain about when you consider that. How she has turned her home phone into a fax machine line cause anyone who matters calls her cell and the medical collections agencies call the home line. The reason I never answer the phone on Wed morning and don't answer the door unless it is someone I know. How our tenants have the same instructions. That you get approved for a treatment, the hospital charges more that the insurance company says it is worth and then the send collections agencies after you for the difference when it is very unreasonable. I guess that would be a complaint.....Oh well.
I got up yesterday and did meditation from 3:30-5am. Mary is restless at that time of the morning-gets up and takes meds etc. This is why she usually sleeps till10-11am. I usually wake up and lie there listening to her if she needs something and then am awake for awhile. I felt great as I did some yoga then did a long meditation/more yoga. Then back to sleep and what a wonderful sleep it was for a few hours. Very restful. They say the best time for meditation is from 3-6 am as the prana is quiet, plentiful and biggest at that time. So, I think I will do this more often as my day went incredibly well with this time devoted to the spirit. Life is kind of like a slide show...what ever is in front of your face...one has a tendency to focus on. For me, it is easy to get lost in the drama and remember what is unchanging...in that I can put my trust...my faith and my confidence. I'm very grateful to have these learnings and the ability to find the Iam all over and over. Much love this day to each of you. xoxox lg

Today is jam-packed, emotion filled and difficult

2007-12-02T20:43:00.001-08:00

Well, I've been on one crying jag today. I remember when Mary was first diagnosed with cancer.....I was giving a talk to 300 physicians at a national conference.....I gave the talk....did my day of work and went into the bathroom of my hotel room and cried for what seemed an eternity. I finally went into the shower and turned it on cause I couldn't breath anymore and just let the steam help clear my head. There is not PMS to blame it on or the sense of hopelessness or any of that stuff. Just a scared/overwhelmed place that is washed by tears. I wont go into that as it is horribly non-productive.....but I wish there was a way to get around it.....no way but through. Sometimes it helps if I remember that feelings are energy...emotions are part of that....and like all energy...it changes. I went to the funeral last of my mothers neighbor...her best friend/partner or what ever they define themselves as was very glad to see me. They have been together since WWII and deeply devoted to each other. As was the custom of older women who are devoted to each other....no one really said much about the two of them, she was not listed in the obituary...though she sat in the first row and everyone consold here. It really made me a little nuts to witness but I do remember how they loved me and Mary and had us over for margaritas when the two of them still drank. I saw my dad, mom and aunt...wished I could go see Ruth...my Mom's friend who has dementia...but realizing that ther ewas only so much time. Dad recognized me this visit which was really good....my aunt is down to 92 pounds which is scarey to see but was quite funny. She was describing her body as old and boney (she is 95) and said that they shouldn't let old people get so ugly. We went to lunch at a place that is on a metal beams that extend out over the river....when we drove up I sad "there sure is alot of bird poop on those beams"....she said "you've been eating beans?" Mom and I both had a great laugh at both as did my Aunt. Quincy is full of ghosts for me...some good some not, some comforiting.... it drains me and though I love to see my folks....it is just too much at the moment. I feel like the whole place needs a giant OM played over it to cleanse the energy. Mary and I went to bens' 5th bday party yesterday...she really enjoyed it. I went and played with the three of them this am while mary was still asleep. It was very fun and the absorption of play is such a relief from life. My work gifted me with one less state to cover as of Friday...I'll only be traveling to WI and IL....used to get tweeked by this but now, I cut the cords and look towards the new direction without much thought. We had a bunch of layoffs and my job is still intact for which I am grateful....very sorry for the ones who are out a position but most were able to be absorbed but a few will be looking. 20 months since Mary's diagnosis....we are grateful...but I tell you I want so much more life with her. I'm scared but hanging in there. These scans are always a big deal...it gives you two more months to live without worry if they are good. We need good scans Wed. I'm counting on them and keep imagining doc saying that we are good....that the scans are good....that she continues to respond. I love you all....I'm off to sit in saltwater bath and hopefully my stomach will stop hurting.....just how it is sometimes. xoxo lg

The drive home

2007-11-24T20:59:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I sit with Mary and we laugh....it is like the old times.....like she has never been sick. I have never known anyone with whom I feel more at home, in love and just grateful we found each other. Tonight, as I follow her up the stairs......backpack on my pack...her walker on my shoulder.....my eyes never leaving her because I know the body is tired and I tell her to let me help her cause it is the most risky for her as she climbs the stairs cause she is tired. Riding in the car is hard on her. How I know each bump on lake shore drive hurts her and try to avoid each pot hole. My hand on her leg like I can protect her from pain by my touch. Leaving our stuff in the car cause I just can't carry more at this moment.
The meds, some saving her life....others trying to give her a life without pain.....she watches the clock cause she can predict the time by when the pain meds wear out. She said she'd like to have one day where she felt normal and not fragile....I asked her what she would do if her body was able: She said three things really: I won't share the first one; the second; go for a long walk and the third-work in the garden. Such things that one takes for granted when you can do it.....Mary York has high standards but few needs. We were planning on going to Italy last year and see Tuscany. She would still like to go and I don't want to go too far from medical care but I also get wanting to go for trips of a lifetime...etc. etc. She wants to go to mexico and sit on the beach. My thought about renting a handicapped RV is blown as the only place they rent them is in BC...not enough need for them here in the US. Austin was kind of a bust considering the broken leg & issues therein. Well, I feel I'm rambling...Mary is in bed and I'm watching bad gay TV. much love, lg

Friday-I've been to Target already

2007-11-23T07:02:00.000-08:00

HI all, I joined the energy of the morning and went to Target at 7pm. They had a 19 inch TV with a DVD player in it I've been eyeing for about 2 months but refused to spend 329.00 for it on sale for 199.00 Needless to say, they had a palete of them and I'm the proud owner of a new TV. This is good as the one I use for my own musings does not have a remote and I wanted one that I could watch DVD's or TV when on that torture device called a stationary bicycle. I love to exercise if I can be out in the woods, going for a walk...but my life and my doctor say I need to get more cardiovascular exercise. I'm the proud owner of genes that entail both parents with heart attacks and though I have been very vigilant about my weight/exercise for the vast majority of my life....the last two years I've not done alot of intense physicality. Everything is fine on physical etc....but yoga to relax is not the same as getting the heart rate up. I was reading my friend Linda's blog this am and she speaks of issues of grief and of death and some of what it means to sit with the death of her Husband Keith. Keith was diagnosed around the same time as Mary and we spent lots of time sending each other music, food, love and comfort. Sometimes I call Linda up and she is there with me on the phone and we laugh, be stupid, cry or talk about if I need down time as caregiver. She is leaving today for Hawaii to spend a week with Mirka Kraftsow/yogi to work on her personal yoga practice. She wrote this a couple of weeks ago.....

Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room.I am I, you are you,Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.Call me by the old familiar name.Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.Put no difference into your tone.Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.Laugh as we always laughed,at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.Let it be spoken without an effort,without a ghost of a shadow upon it.Life means all that it ever meant.It is the same a it ever was.There is absolute and unbroken continuity.What is death but a negligible accident?Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?I am but waiting for you. For an interval,somewhere very near, just round the corner.All is well,-Henry Scott Holland

Linda writes-As one of the co-travelers along this route, I have to say, I have had better trips. Since I last talked with you all, I have slipped twice into that whole ( pun intended) known as grief. I gave myself some space the first dip down but this second one has my inner critic screaming. " I thought you would be over this by now"! " How much is enough? Already" “ People forget why you aren’t happy, that is why you are supposed to wear black!”I have even booked a trip to Maui for one week at the end of the month and I am not even excited about it. I feel as if it is something that will be good for me and hoping I can finish my yoga homework for my official Viniyoga teacher training certificate...Spent enough, thank you very much!.I am sure as the days arrive, I will get a little “joy” rush, but nothin now!I am learning to recognize the signs, (slowly) of this new emotion called grief. It has me wanting to recount the past, verses looking to the future and holding the present as precious. I can't seem to get there. And can I say, I am enjoying the distracting qualities of TV and wine. As my poem once read on the bedroom wall of my 3426 apartment on Janssen, “The I that is we of possibility can be spoken when two souls are opened like Pandora stepping out to dine on wildflowers and wine”.Now, the emotion of depression I do know something about. I can identify it. I can even tell you what brain chemicals are involved and what man-made and herbal chemicals and remedies relieve it. I can even tell you if it is symptomatic or chronic.This grief thing, however, has me a bit stumped. As promised, I am still trying to get through the book a second time. And as far as a "joy" list?, I can't really remember what used to bring me joy with the exception of yoga. Thank goddess for that. I am so grateful for my practice. Yoga is a magic bullet.I am not even sure if what used to bring me joy still would. I have a little experimenting to do, so my joy list will be of a different sort. Perhaps those things I have never tried that I might allow me to open into my spirit and connect with that innate right to joy would be a better tact for me. ( ...endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights like life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.). I like that.I have finally written the morning chant, mantra, prayer, intention or whatever you would like to call it. ( It will follow this blog entry) Something to practice for 108 days. You can make up your own or use this one.I hope all your journeys are filled with wonder and adventure, wherever they may lead you. -Linda

LG writes:

I've had a few experiences with Grief in the past......I lost my brother in 1980, my first boyfriend in an accident a few years later and my first girlfriend in an accident in 1988. I did think my world was over and spent alot of years trying to figure out why I was left. I guess it is kind of like cancer...why us....well why not. What I do know is that I do really get how to be a caregiver in all of this as it lauched me into this role of trying to find a way to make life better-a reason I was here. I did get so depressed around these losses. Yoga/Meditation is the only way that I know to get it out of the physicality of the body. Therapy & western/eastern interventions and friends/support to get it out of the mind-help it to move through; prayer to take care of the spirit and giving to others to allow the experience to move away for awhile until time has a healing touch. I've never quite figured out why people don't say my brothers name. Everyone gets so sad....his name was Gregory Lynn Bailey. GLB to my LGB. We were mirrors of each other. He was my protector and I idolized him. I still talk to him very often and he is always present with me and for me. The thing I miss are the smell of him and the hugs. (Even his farts as they were really stinky and his favorite thing to do was to fart and then grab me and try to push me into the stink-it was the original way I learned to squeal-Mary loves it when I squeal) I've looked at these losses and the people that I lost as the foundations of the sears tower. These loves in my life and are like the steel beams that form the foundation. As you look at the tower it gets smaller as you go up. Theses loves are the solid grounding on which I build my life. I can go really, really far but as one goes up..it is abit narrower at the top....you never lose all that you had....it just gets more quiet and more streamlined. The people you gather at this point are often on their own path..and are the floors. Each one has it's own beauty and are wonderful respites of color, warmth, clarity, view and a place to rest or work or sleep or love. If they are around long enough....they add to your steel beams of strength.....they allow you to go higher. are such a part of who made me and who I am.....am becoming. Eventually you get high enough....you touch the essence of God and the meditation you become one with that essence while you are still here in the body. It is very cool. I know why Greg climbed every mountain in the Tetons....My favorite picture is the one above my meditation alter. He has his climbing helmet on and a rope is hanging down...he is looking down and helping someone up higher. As I meditate....I feel he helps to pull me higher and will always be there to help me on my way. I'm very grateful. much love, LG

Sunday the 18th of November

2007-11-18T15:24:00.000-08:00

As Thanks giving approaches we have alot to give thanks for....last year at this time, Mary was home from the Hospital Oct 26th and we were gearing up for another surgery on the arm. At that point last year we were both very scared & reeling from a constant onslaught of surgery and negative scan results. This year, scans are positive; no surgeries are in sight; Only one night in the hospital in over a year; most of the medical bills are paid off except for a huge one that the insurance and hospital cannot agree upon. Mom's scans came out well, her arteries look good. She has a few calcium deposits in the heart but non interfere with blood flow. She is sticking with her diabetes diet and says she has more energy. Mary is doing well with the walker thing...She says the only thing she hates is when people look at her she feels they pity her. I don't walk in her shoes so can't say much here. I do know that much of the time I don't tell our story when people ask cause we need believing eyes. Believing eyes are what you get when you say Mary is doing well. Non-believing eyes is what you get when you tell the story: of cancer: of surgeries: of struggles currently. Thought forms have energy and we want the most positive thoughts coming both our ways. Actually this commentary is so true: there are reminders everywhere: Watch what you ask for .... you may get it; Lord make my words sweet cause tomorrow I may have to eat them; If you think it enough-it just might happen; Self-fullfilling prophesy's; all this. I like the premise of the secret but I do think that one has to have all the knowledge and at the same time have all the positive visualization. Mary and I found this out the hard way when she first got diagnosed and we both were in denial. You need a good doctor who is willing to balance fact with hope when talking about these things. If it weren't for Miss Supie...I'm not sure where we'd be. I've started to put my hand on my forehead and wipe my thoughts off the slate with my right hand. I do this quite often and the other day I was in my car waiting to pick upsomeone and was wiping my thought slate clean when someone walked over to my car and asked me if I wanted something. They thought I was waving. It did make me laugh and I decided that if I had to look funny in order to keep my thoughts positive...so be it. I wipe the negative thoughts of my slate and replace it with positive affirmations. It works really well as does thinking back over your day as you are going to bed and imagining yourself doing things differently for those things you didn't do well. You just erase what you did, ask for forgiveness, forgive the other person and imagine the situation differently with you acting in a way that is win-win or respectful or right thought/right action. It is alot more restful sleeping. We are all trying and we all make mistakes.

Today I've let myself have a sad day. The level of estrogen in my body is minimal and with that comes a level of lethargy that is very heavy. It is hard when you have to rehearse the muscle actions that it takes to get off the couch or do anything that requires action. I know this type of day is headed my way when the body hurts before it gets out of bed in the morning. I did blow leaves in the yard and go to the grocery store....mainly because Mary said...will you get out of the house for a little bit. We will have left overs tonight and I'll do work tonight so that I can have longer in the am for meditation/yoga. This will get me started well. The lambskin rug I bought last week at Cost co is still on the couch and I lay on it and pretend it is a fluffy hug. Mary is starting to bug me to take it off the couch and up to the yoga space. I think I will put it under my meditation chair. Hopefully missy will leave it alone as she has taken to kneeding it and then wrapping up into a ball for sleep.

Well, I love you all. It is almost time for american's funniest home videos. Sunday eve..mary and I rarely miss it cause it gives us endorphins. I love you all...keep in touch. I do miss the emails. xoxox lg

Mary Drives to work

2007-11-12T21:28:00.000-08:00

Mary drove to work today. I made her promise she would not try for four weeks...it's been five. As I was riding in the passenger seat I told her that she better not take any changes cause if something happened to me....she wouldn't have to worry about dying some day cause my Mom would kill her. I told Mom this and she giggled which is kind of funny and kind of sick. I'm off traveling the next couple of days so she is in the arms of our husband Gary....thank god for all our friends. Rose brought her home today.....I've been juggling everything and am soon to bed for I have a 7:30am flight tomorrow. Yoga class rocked tonight. It seems between my studies with Gary Kraftsow, with Master Choa Kok Sui and Master Cho that everything is coming together for teaching a great class. I feel I can teach in a way that is safe, respectful and deep...which adjusts easily to whomever is in class. From young folks to those with broken knees, backs, necks and wrists. I've been doing more guided meditation practice which has been very well received by the students. It is very sweet. I talked with Judith today, my friend from Toronto. We are going to go to California for the Yoga Therapy training in Sept of 08. I'll be with many people from my class again and my sister Linda from California. One of the things that is hard is making plans or not making plans. I can't think of any other type of travel I'd rather do that to be with my class studying yoga. The only other thing would be to be with Miss Mary. Judith and I talked alot about making plans, the fear that one won't be able to follow-through or in the mood or whatever.....the importance of making plans and having a life to look forward to. Mary and I may go back to california to the place we stayed last March. It was easy and accessable. If we could get the same room by the elevator there would be no surprises with regard to how she could get around. We'll see. An abrupt end but I am pooped and have to get up early. I love you allxoxox lg

Monday Morning

2007-11-12T07:19:00.000-08:00

I haven't been able to do much this weekend except watch TV. We watched the Swiss Family Robinson, Something with Sally Field in which her daughter died, OutQ Laughbreak, and another movie which I cannot remember what it was. I sat by miss Mary and worked on the computer....fixed us food....spotted her when we went for a walk up and down our block. The thing about going into the hospital is that it is emotionally exhausting. Mary was intruded upon, poked and proded and though everyone was nice.....there is that point. We had a very nice lesbo oncology nurse who was a delight. She said to us both that if Mary was ever in pain (well-yes-all the time)....that they have a clinic that specifically deals with pain issues and they are very good. That she would get us hooked up. She has been with her partner 15 years and was very sweet to us....knew who Mary/I were based on LCCP and Mary's Law Firm. So this weekend we holed up together and slept alot and talked about life, how lucky we are to have found one another, how she is sorry we never had kids or had a big wedding. I'm lucky to have a gaggle of nieces/nephews from her side of the family and Ben, Maddie & Tommie here in Chicago. We've made reservations by Ann Arbor for Thanksgiving with all the kids and Cindy/Larry and got a handicapped accessable room. I find myself being really pissy about people not paying attn to Mary when we are out. I about took out some teenagers who almost fell on her because they were running backwards and being goofballs. I guess because of both her injuries have been at the hands of someone elses carelessness I'm hypervigilant. One of my pranic folks said I need to work on forgiveness more for these things....that it is just blocking me up. They are right I know....I will.....I do. There is so much that is not under any control.....and really nothing is...... Her right leg is quite swollen and I find myself worrying about it. Amato says that is the way it will be but I still find myself thinking about it and bugging Mary to wear compression hose on that leg. I'm successful with that about 60% of the time at night. My mother told me a story about her Dad. George LaCost....a little farmer. He was about 5'2 and 120 lbs of French man. Mom said he would never worry about anything he couldn't do anything about. He made good wine and had a truck patch......many acres of corn and soybeans in Missouri. He was 52 when Mom was born and she was always his baby. I remember him and he would play bear with me as a toddler. He would get down on the floor and growl at me and I'd hide under the dining room table...then I would squeal and he'd throw me on his back and crawl around on his hands and knees. Mom would yell at him but he would laugh. Since I was 5 when he died at 92 so he must of been close to 90 for these playtimes. When he was thinking about things...he could reach down and grab a wad of dirt between his fingers and roll perfect marbles. These would be set in the sun and they would dry....Mom still has a few of them. Anyway, when Mom was a teenager the old farmhouse caught on fire and Mom ran to get Granpa. They were running toward the fire and Granpa stopped and grabbed dirt and started rolling it in his hand...continuing to walk much more leisurely toward the commotion. Mom chastised him a little....his comment was "LaCena-I can tell by the flames that there is nothing I can do" He lived his life that way till age 92. He also ate a raw onion like an apple every day and chewed his food 100 times each bite. He never had a stomach problems that is for sure. Mom admires him and wants to be a little more like him. I thought he had the most beautiful blue eyes that sparked when he laughed. Mary's Mom had those eyes. Mary was crying some yesterday and frustrated with not being able to pick things up off the floor when she dropped stuff and how she needs help for alot of things. I gently reminded her that her Mom had great lessons about taking things in stride. That she had taught me how to accept limitations with grace and with laughter. Even when her mom had trouble remembering things...she did so with laughter and sais "oh I'm crazy". Mary brightened after that some and the rest of our evening was nice together. We are looking forward to getting away for thanksgiving and feeling a little normal. They guys are installing a buzzer/intercom for the front door today. This way Mary can see who is there and we can make sure the house is more secure. Well, I'm off towork. Have a busy week of travel so Gary will be hanging out with Mary Tuesday/Wed. I love you. lg

I dont have any answers

2007-11-10T11:15:00.000-08:00

Mary is doing fairly well today though in a cranky mood. Nancy came by and did a pranic healing session for me. It was very, very nice and I felt better. She asked me how many patients I saw at the VA when I worked there and said I had enough emotional chords to my back fill a hospital. You see people attache to you like you attache to them. Each one forms a band. Unless you learn how to detach....you just drag all their baggage and yours too. I never knew how to detach. I would take my patients problems to heart and try to fix things that were out of my control. Kind of like what I do with Mary..... What I've learned in pranic healing....detachment is important because it allows you to leave your own stuff out of it and just be about their needs to heal. I try but how to have some effect with keeping your affect. I'll write more later. xo lg

From Tammy Bosler...I really liked it

2007-11-09T12:49:00.001-08:00

As part of my training(Tammy and I trained with the same teacher-LG), I am studying the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. A discussion about an idea in the Sutras came up recently when one of the other students in the training sent this great parable to me:
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.
Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me what you see.”
“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked,
“What does it mean, mother?”
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
“Which are you?” she asked her daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee?
Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and fl avor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
So what does this have to do with the Sutras? Sutras II-33, “Vitarkabadhane pratipaksabhavanam”, which translate to, basically “When there is clouded thinking, reframing the way you look at a situation may help to produce clarity.”
In the wonderful parable, the coffee doesn’t simply respond to the water, it alters the water itself. If I am the coffee grounds going into the struggle of boiling water, as time progressed, and I am sitting in the boiling water, the situation would be changing. Because of my actions, as a coffee bean (releasing the chemicals to merge with the water), the boiling water is reshaped into boiling coffee - for all of you coffee drinkers, you know that is a much better situation than boiling water.
According to my teacher, you are not who you think you are when afflicted thoughts arise. In the case of the coffee beans, they went into the water thinking they were beans, when, in fact, they were the impetus for a great cup of coffee. If it wasn’t for going into the boiling water, their true purpose would not have been realized. I like this parable because the coffee beans also left their imprint when turning something harsh into something great. That, and I like coffee

Meditation is the key

2007-11-09T05:52:00.000-08:00

I have to meditation in the am. Make a schedule and stick to it my teacher says. So, most of the time I do pretty well.....sometimes I just feel like a fetus. Curled up, eyes closed, looking for someone/something to provide the nurishment. I guess that is what one looks for with addiction of any kind....food, work, drugs, alcohol....if one can make something else/someone else responsible for the peace that one experiences......outer nurishment is attained. To be born, to grow up, to take responsibility...what ever it may be......life. My musings are about the connection to the divine, higher soul, spiritual oneness, God, primodial muffin with all of us being the chips or whatever one pictures as the place where we are connected and the place that is unchanging. My yoga teachers teacher allowed one question on his 100th birthday. That question was "on what to meditate" Isvara Pranidana (sp) was the answer...in essence God, the quality of God with in you....the connection. This is what is unchanging and in which we can put our being/trust......everything else changes....is not constant.....and is in the process of each day of life is one day closer to death. This life we have a little bit of our God-essence poured into this body. The more in union we are with that essence...the closer we are to the purusa...the Unchanging observer that is within us all......it allows us to tolerate prakriti....or the material. The material being that which changes...our emotions, our thoughts, our aches, pains...our stuff...our attachements....scans....ups and downs.....the life that we live day to day. It is all energy....and like all energy....if fluctuates, changes, is high low and is always in flux. Yoga, meditation allows a piece of sanity in it.....fortunately.....meditation is as easy as pushing play on the CD player or my Ipod. So, I'm off for yoga practice to get the body ready to meditation...and to meditate. Then for a day of work for which I am very grateful to BMS. Thank you for being part of my life in this day to day practice. xoxo lg

More good news...Mary has arthritis

2007-11-07T13:55:00.000-08:00

So the other piece we got good news about it that the arm pain Mary was having is just arthritis....not cancer. Whew....Hooo. xo lg

9.2 is a great number

2007-11-07T06:11:00.000-08:00

Yes the Hemoglobin has risen. Mary was admitted last night for a blood transfusion. Her hgb was 6.9; a low number and inconsistent with oxygenation. We knew this would be the case occasionally. I was thinking last night that it was Oct 26th, 2006 that Mary last had a discharge from the hospital. Considering everything....that is pretty impressive. She had some tears yesterday and is always very emotional on the day of scans. I generally join her in this emotionality but doing lots of meditation this weekend shored up my feeling side.....and allows me not to collapse in the emotion part. This way I can be more supportive for her emotions. Sometimes she does the same for me as about every 3 months I get to have a crying jag. I have a big cry for about 15 minutes....and then I'm done. She and I talked about emotions as energy....how the energy passes as long as you don't block it. Kind of like energy down a power cord.....as long as there are no blocks...we conduct the experience though our bodies....as we focus more on the things that are important....connection with others, our own sense of divine...how change is just part of the everyday experience of life...if we can flow with it....how sometimes we don't have to plug in to the crisis emotion or the freak emotion or the whatever emotion and just have the feelings...move onto or back to a place of peace. I have a couple of talks today so our husband Gary(thank you) will bring Mary home from the hospital....of course she says she is going right to the office. I just look at her and say Okay. I don't say much except okay unless I feel she is in danger of hurting herself.....or I feel my idea could save her strain on the body, mind or emotions. I figure that is my job as her lover/partner/caring person. Her will is what is keeping her wanting to be here and I am all for that. I just keep repeating the mantra..."That you God that Mary is responding to the medication and will continue to respond to it". With great faith, love and gratitude...so be it." It keeps the fear away and the negative thoughts....as thoughts are also energy and they can hang around. What you think about the most comes to be. So I think of us in Michigan, I think of us around the dinner table....I think of Mary in her easily movable body. I think of the doctors telling us the cancer is completely gone from the body....I think of her at 80 and me at 74 smiling at each other. I dream of us alot....she is never in pain. Well, enough of that....Have to get down to Northwestern and see my baby. xoxo lg

Tuesday..more tests..

2007-11-06T07:08:00.000-08:00

We are at Nortwestern. Mary's trip to Houston will be next month and they are letting us do our appt here in Chicago and just send the results to Houston. Evidently, if you are responding and doing fairly well they then let you go every 2 months. We will be there in December to See Dr. amato and have more scans. Mary did not sleep well last night. She never does before a scan...thus I do not either. Her mind races with all the possibilities......I just keep thanking God for continued response to the medicine and to all the other things we are doing. I saw Dad this weekend.....we had a very nice visit and he remembered me straight away. We sat and held hands and had a talk about stuff......he very coherently told me that I would be alright and that he loved me. It was a blessing and I am very grateful to have those words from him. He has failed dramatically since my last visit. I just ask that he slip away in his sleep...that there be no more drama for him because he deserves integrety and gentleness....what he was always known for in this life. I put him to bed...and was able to sing his favorite song to him. He sighed gently as he feel to sleep. I could not have asked for more. Mom had a bad cold but the pot of garlic chicken soup seemed to help as well as a bust up boat load of pranic healing late at night. The weekend away was good and I feel more rested and relaxed getting a couple of good nights of sleep. Mary and I go to sleep about 10 pm. I ususally get up about 7 and she usually needs to stay in bed to 10am or 11am. She is up alot at night either taking pain pills or peeing. I hold the covers up for her when she gets back into bed. I think I do it in my sleep. I'm always listening with one ear open. Pearl has taken to cuddling me at night. She is either on the pillow next to my head, on top of my stomach....if I'm on my stomach she sleeps on my lower back...it is kind of like she is attached and I find it very comforiting. Well, Mary is out of her PFT's ....we are off to blood draws and infusion. xoxox lg

It's Hallowen

2007-10-31T18:22:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, I'm fixin to head home tomorrow to see my Dad and check in on Mama. She is doing well with her diabetic diet. Dad had another out of his head moment the other day and told Mom to get the hell out, threw his walker down the hallway and was a little intense. If you can stay out of his way and keep him from hurting himself he falls asleep and then comes out of it. Mary is going to work for a couple of hours each day. It wears her out but it feels good for her to be out of the house. We had a talk about our living space today. We are going to stay here in our apt till we are unable to and it will work itself out. We have so many good memories here and we both love it. The back yard is like our own personal park. I've been worrying about it alot...it is true that if you can stay in the moment it is okay. Mary's determined to keep doing the stairs. So we are sitting here watching Jumanji. It is pretty scarey but I like robin Williams. He is one hairy dude in this movie. I had a long talk with my boss today. She is my advocate & I am very grateful. My bosses boss sent Mary and I a card saying she was thinking about us.....one of my colleagues with whom we had dinner with last week sent Mary the most beautiful blue/green mohair shawl. It is very warm. Vivienne is a master knitter and has been in many competitions. Needless to say...we were both touched with the outpouring and the beauty of her creation. Mary said she has been cold with the anemia and my friend answered this call. I've thought about why us....then thought well, why not us. Why does anyone get cancer. What the hell is cancer except cells gone wild. Kind of like boys gone wild on the beach....but too much growth hormone instead of testosterone. If we could just erase it like one of those tapes...or chose not to buy it or participate in the watching. There are things that are hard to be present for....but that is what we do for each other: witness our life together and individually. There are certain things that I'd keep of the experience. #1: My deepening love for Mary #2 The miracle of deepening friendships #3: A sense of spirituality that I never thought possible but is so necessary in this process of life....to grow, to believe, to experience all possibility and remain sane #4 To flow with changes that occur no matter what they are #5 To have hope and to believe in possibility #6 To cherish small kisses in the night #7 To have a respite of an easy day without pain #8 To not take anything for granted #9 to live each day fully in the present as much as you can. I love you all....I especially love Mary M York. She is the love of my life. xoxox lg

This morning

2007-10-29T05:54:00.000-07:00

I dreamt last night that I bought this mansion of a house. The rooms were all very odd and furnished in 70's classics. Most things were white or green with brass corners. It actually was almost back in style. I kept finding money around the place in draws but it was all photocopied. I kept thinking that I'd turn it into a B & B but really didn't want to deal with all the people. The pictures on the wall was old family pictures of the previous owners. It was if they had left for the weekend and I had walked into their house. I kept thinking that #1 I could not afford it and #2 How was I supposed to clear out their stuff and get mine in....#3 I didn't have enough stuff to put in there any way and #4 it was in the burbs #5 where is Mary. Last eve I went to a pumpkin carving gathering at a condo on Damen street. It was 3 bedrooms on the 3rd floor with eastern exposure all on the same level with an elevator. I kept thinking how much easier this would be than our 2/3 sets of stairs that we have to maneuver. That I worry about Mary and know that she knows how much I worry and because of this...s.he is extra careful. Any injury that she has gotten has been at the hands of someone else's lapse in judgement or carefulness. This makes me feel a little better about it. She says it is good for her to need to maneuver and that it keeps her muscles toned more. I have a busy week this week and am hoping to see my dad Thursday night. Mary is doing better overall. Her coloring is fairly good. She will meet have labs and some xrays. etc the week after this one. We go to Houston in Dec. Her back and ribs are hurting as of yesterday but I think her mobility is better. Her right leg is still very swollen but hurts less. I sat and cut apart an abdominal binder and reconstructed the thing for a leg brace. The ace bandages were not working well. I've got to work on it a little more but she says it helps stabelize her leg and make it feel better. We had a talk yesterday about eating more. One of the LG "you will try to do this"...which happens only when she has been fighting me about doing something that I think is to her detriment. She has no appetite at all. She has agreed to try and eat something every 3-4 hours to get something in her system....and to drink a protein/fruit shake each day. Her weight is stable but I would like to see her get more nutritious food into the body. This way they body could use it to heal. Well, I have to get ready and head out to appts. Have a great day...love, lg

Saturday at home: Mary & I see Racheal & Gary

2007-10-27T16:03:00.000-07:00

I woke up with a start at 7am this morning wondering if my Dad had died. It seemed as if someone had punched me in the gut and said wake up there are things to do. So, with meditation/prayers I did pranic healing session on Dad/Mom, Mary, Me and asked for blessings for everyone I know....and had a long talk with my brother to ask and make sure to help with Dad's transition. I do believe he is listening. I then started cooking. People have been asking if they can do things for us and I've started accepting more help. Cade has been helping with all the house stuff we need to do for the winter. Alex came over and did the fall clean up of the yard. Rose, Gary, Vicki have been my saving grace spotting Mary on the stairs when I have not been able to be here. I'm going to sign up for Pea Pod if I need it. There is usually food around cause I reduce my anxiety by cooking/yoga/meditation. All three work well. I've been trying to ride the exercycle I got Mary at least 20-25 minutes 2-3 times per week and lift weights at least 1 X per week. I'll increase it later. I am lucky. I fixed scones and took them over to Gary & Building sale. They were hot and either berry or chocolate chip and he swooned with delight. If you have not seen Gary swoon with delight is worth it. After breakfast Racheal and I were heading back to the sale and Mary said...I'm going. She walked to the end of the block and back at his house and then hung out in the sun. Needless to say the scones were gone. Today I feel happy and content.....Mary is doing fine....there have been an easiness to the day. A friend is stopping by tonight from Colorado for a little bit as we will probably go get some indian Food. I was able to do a full pranic cancer protocol for healing on Mary and her pain is lessened. It makes me feel like there is something able to help with the pain besides drugs. Have a wonderful evening. I love you all and am glad for a very nice day. , lg

Today is a better day than yesterday

2007-10-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

It seems that each day brings with it different challenges. One day you are full of hope and we will beat this thing attitude and the next pain or a scan or something brings you to the proverbial knees. I went with Mom to her cardiologist in Springfield on Tuesday. Since I cover three states it is relatively easy to schedule a meeting with the state the same day as an appt. for Mom in the afternoon. It just makes for a long day of driving. Mom's stress test showed some changes that may reflect a worsening of her heart and due to the fact that she has had a silent heart attack in the past...ie with no symptoms, they want to make sure that there is not something that might give her cause for ischemia. The end of this is they will do more tests on Nov 8th just to check out her arteries. Dad had another stroke last night and we are just counting down now....I've been very sad about the whole thing and will attempt to see him soon. Mary is hanging in there and trying to walk more to build up strength. I've checked into home PT as it would be hard for her to go back to the PT place at this point. I would be there with her as I want to make sure she is safe. We are looking forward to hanging out this weekend together.

I will share with you the highlight of my week. When I got to the clinic Mom was sitting there dressed in a yellow jogging outfit, black keens, black shirt and black/yellow stripped scarf. I did call her a bumble bee. As I am sitting there I kept smelling dog poo. I checked my shoes, my armpits(just to make sure it wasn't my stink), her walker wheels and shoes....(she was busy filling out a form). Finally she noticed my moving around alot and asked what I was doing. I said that I smelled dog poo and she replied "Oh, that's me". Turned out that she had used a tide stain stick on the front of her jacket and somehow the interaction with the microfiber material ended up smelling like dog poo. Seriously like Dog poo. They called us back to the cardiology suite.....and she said to the nurse that if she smelled something...that it was her. The nurse naturally enquired about this experience and ended up smelling the jacket.....to which she exclaimed...it does smell like dog poo. Mom had taken off her jacket and I noticed tissue hanging out the back of her shirt. I started pulling and eventually had to pull out her waist band on her pants to retrieve the very long piece of toilet paper that had gotten caught on her backside. We all started laughing so hard with the TeePee and the Dog Poo and all the silliness of poo that we were doubled over....Mom and I got the giggles. Eventually, other staff came in cause we were making so much noise laughing...and then they started laughing. Mom ended up with the name dog poo toilet paper lady. It was very funny. My Mom and I can sure laugh and Mary loves it when we get the giggles. I think I'll just leave you all with that one....xo lg

Mary and I pictures

2007-10-24T13:34:00.000-07:00

I love this woman

The blog starts up again

2007-10-24T09:30:00.000-07:00

Hi all, I decided to start up the blog again as I've been sending out emails and find i sit waiting for people to respond to validate to let me know that life exists outside of caregiving, work and cancer. I find my self reactional to whether people respond back, who responds back, how people are if they don't respond back, and how I sensor myself. This way if you want to read, you can...just know I always appreciate replies and want to know how people are doing. I stopped the old one because Mary hated the fact that I misspell everything. The fact that I was always the first one down in a spelling bee and it has always been a source of shame my simple speech and simple writing. Those who know me, and you all do....know that my brain is brilliant in somethings and I am amazed at the way it works and can visualize things....but in other ways not. So the hell with it.....you get me how I am, however I am in the moment. Life is to short to worry about spelling. I've always thought the dictionary is messed up cause you have to know how to spell a word to be able to look it up.......if I knew that I wouldn't have to look it up. I wore a pair of shoes at work for a year with the name spelled down the soul in the middle and never knew what it said. I would not do word puzzles for extra credit at school cause I could never find anything if it was not spelled in a line from left to right. when Carrie or Mel spell words out instead of saying them...it takes me a while to figure out what they are saying. My mind is a visual matrix of amorphous forms that float into view and form pieces of puzzles. I can see my car like I'm above it......on a map moving accross a state or where it is in relationship to other towns, the state, the country....I can picture the topographical layout of a region....mile for mile. I can picture the structure of neurochemicals and drugs bonds/the ionic clouds of atoms and how they float and interact with receptor sites...how their size changes depending on the chemical substitutions....I read medicinal chemistry texts for fun.....I can visualize the organs inside the body and how they work and pump blood, I can visualize the chakras and see them move in the body, expelling energy and absorbing, what size they are and what energy level they are.... I can see stuff in peoples body sometimes and tell you that you need to go to the doctor for an evaluation....I can picture the angles on something I want to make in my head...before I measure or make it......I told the guy that made mary and my wedding rings that the stone was not set correctly....he and I argued.....when he measured it it was a millimeter off.....I can tell you what angle something is...most of the time I can tell you what note something is in a scale....sometimes I can think about it and hit it.....I can tell you based on the pitch where something will vibrate in the body based on the density of the organ that the frequency is attunned to ....I can sing into your body and hear the changes in the body based on different densities of the internal body....tell you what's different and how it works for healing.....I can create lots of stuff visually....but I can't spell worth a damn......cause I cannot visualize each letter and how it fits together in a word. So there....it's out, everyone knows, I'm glad, I will continue to miss spell lots of things.....but you know who to come to in order to see something. That is all for today...xo lg