One month later

I wear four bracelets at the moment: one that says Love; 2nd: live bold(trust your instincts); 3: Yes I can; 4: I'm always with you. I got two for Mary York in 2006 and two for me recently. Most of the time I'm okay....lately the quiet alone time that I so craved much of my life has been difficult. When I meditate I feel okay...when I don't I feel okay but not as good as when I do meditate. I feel Mary's presence around me.....each moment...sometimes each breath I take. Holding on to small nuances as the days pass....I'm really looking forward to spending time with my Mom and especially going on vacation in June. It has been a long time since I've just had time to loaf. I'm toying with not taking a computer which would be a huge thing. I sometimes go most of the day without talking to someone except the cats. They are right by me most of the time....even pearl has taken to visiting in the daylight which is unusual for her. Not much has changed since my last writing except I'm no longer angry...just resigned. Focusing on who is here.....who I love and who I can count on. We are all evolving...we all make mistakes....it is part of life....god loves us-the god the not so good and the really terrible. I forgive and let go.....Atma Namaste. I say this each and every day. It is good that I know emotions are just that.....that I'm not the emotions, the thoughts or any other "thing" except the soul. This brings me great comfort. My soul mate is still here....just can't touch her or hear her talk with a voice that is audible in nature.

I still remember Mary's passing as one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. The other was when we first kissed. I'm lucky in love and lucky to have found my sole mate...in Mary York. I miss her so much.....the nights between 9pm and 11pm are the hardest....normally I'd be helping Mary get to bed, helping her undress, lifting her into bed. tucking her in and kissing her gently. I took to kissing her arms and hands as they were the only place that was not sore or in risk of breaking. I even kissed her arm before I closed the casket. Funny how I had to do everything...this body I had loved so many times....I had to be there to clean her up after she died....I could not leave for four hours....God bless Mom, Cat, Bonnie and Mel for sitting there with me.....I had to put her jewelry on and take it off....I covered the body and locked the casket. I closed the door when the hurst drove away. Mel and I put her ashes in the urn from the cardboard box in which they came. How do you say good by to what you have cherished. I'm not sure as I think I will always be married to Mary York.

Mary knew me so well. May 3rd is my brothers birthday...June 2nd is the death date. It is like it is wedged in my internal time clock and I become slowed in most things. She would say just get through the spring...she loved it so that it helped me through this time. Just be gentle with myself....I try and will continue to love myself no matter what state I am in. I just know that I will be okay.....I've been left here in this plane for some reason. The key is to figure it out.

I'm off to Springfield in the am...i guess I should get home before long. Yoga class was nice tonight. love, lg