It's Hallowen

Hi everyone, I'm fixin to head home tomorrow to see my Dad and check in on Mama. She is doing well with her diabetic diet. Dad had another out of his head moment the other day and told Mom to get the hell out, threw his walker down the hallway and was a little intense. If you can stay out of his way and keep him from hurting himself he falls asleep and then comes out of it. Mary is going to work for a couple of hours each day. It wears her out but it feels good for her to be out of the house. We had a talk about our living space today. We are going to stay here in our apt till we are unable to and it will work itself out. We have so many good memories here and we both love it. The back yard is like our own personal park. I've been worrying about it alot...it is true that if you can stay in the moment it is okay. Mary's determined to keep doing the stairs. So we are sitting here watching Jumanji. It is pretty scarey but I like robin Williams. He is one hairy dude in this movie. I had a long talk with my boss today. She is my advocate & I am very grateful. My bosses boss sent Mary and I a card saying she was thinking about us.....one of my colleagues with whom we had dinner with last week sent Mary the most beautiful blue/green mohair shawl. It is very warm. Vivienne is a master knitter and has been in many competitions. Needless to say...we were both touched with the outpouring and the beauty of her creation. Mary said she has been cold with the anemia and my friend answered this call. I've thought about why us....then thought well, why not us. Why does anyone get cancer. What the hell is cancer except cells gone wild. Kind of like boys gone wild on the beach....but too much growth hormone instead of testosterone. If we could just erase it like one of those tapes...or chose not to buy it or participate in the watching. There are things that are hard to be present for....but that is what we do for each other: witness our life together and individually. There are certain things that I'd keep of the experience. #1: My deepening love for Mary #2 The miracle of deepening friendships #3: A sense of spirituality that I never thought possible but is so necessary in this process of life....to grow, to believe, to experience all possibility and remain sane #4 To flow with changes that occur no matter what they are #5 To have hope and to believe in possibility #6 To cherish small kisses in the night #7 To have a respite of an easy day without pain #8 To not take anything for granted #9 to live each day fully in the present as much as you can. I love you all....I especially love Mary M York. She is the love of my life. xoxox lg

This morning

I dreamt last night that I bought this mansion of a house. The rooms were all very odd and furnished in 70's classics. Most things were white or green with brass corners. It actually was almost back in style. I kept finding money around the place in draws but it was all photocopied. I kept thinking that I'd turn it into a B & B but really didn't want to deal with all the people. The pictures on the wall was old family pictures of the previous owners. It was if they had left for the weekend and I had walked into their house. I kept thinking that #1 I could not afford it and #2 How was I supposed to clear out their stuff and get mine in....#3 I didn't have enough stuff to put in there any way and #4 it was in the burbs #5 where is Mary. Last eve I went to a pumpkin carving gathering at a condo on Damen street. It was 3 bedrooms on the 3rd floor with eastern exposure all on the same level with an elevator. I kept thinking how much easier this would be than our 2/3 sets of stairs that we have to maneuver. That I worry about Mary and know that she knows how much I worry and because of this...s.he is extra careful. Any injury that she has gotten has been at the hands of someone else's lapse in judgement or carefulness. This makes me feel a little better about it. She says it is good for her to need to maneuver and that it keeps her muscles toned more. I have a busy week this week and am hoping to see my dad Thursday night. Mary is doing better overall. Her coloring is fairly good. She will meet have labs and some xrays. etc the week after this one. We go to Houston in Dec. Her back and ribs are hurting as of yesterday but I think her mobility is better. Her right leg is still very swollen but hurts less. I sat and cut apart an abdominal binder and reconstructed the thing for a leg brace. The ace bandages were not working well. I've got to work on it a little more but she says it helps stabelize her leg and make it feel better. We had a talk yesterday about eating more. One of the LG "you will try to do this"...which happens only when she has been fighting me about doing something that I think is to her detriment. She has no appetite at all. She has agreed to try and eat something every 3-4 hours to get something in her system....and to drink a protein/fruit shake each day. Her weight is stable but I would like to see her get more nutritious food into the body. This way they body could use it to heal. Well, I have to get ready and head out to appts. Have a great day...love, lg

Saturday at home: Mary & I see Racheal & Gary

I woke up with a start at 7am this morning wondering if my Dad had died. It seemed as if someone had punched me in the gut and said wake up there are things to do. So, with meditation/prayers I did pranic healing session on Dad/Mom, Mary, Me and asked for blessings for everyone I know....and had a long talk with my brother to ask and make sure to help with Dad's transition. I do believe he is listening. I then started cooking. People have been asking if they can do things for us and I've started accepting more help. Cade has been helping with all the house stuff we need to do for the winter. Alex came over and did the fall clean up of the yard. Rose, Gary, Vicki have been my saving grace spotting Mary on the stairs when I have not been able to be here. I'm going to sign up for Pea Pod if I need it. There is usually food around cause I reduce my anxiety by cooking/yoga/meditation. All three work well. I've been trying to ride the exercycle I got Mary at least 20-25 minutes 2-3 times per week and lift weights at least 1 X per week. I'll increase it later. I am lucky. I fixed scones and took them over to Gary & Building sale. They were hot and either berry or chocolate chip and he swooned with delight. If you have not seen Gary swoon with delight is worth it. After breakfast Racheal and I were heading back to the sale and Mary said...I'm going. She walked to the end of the block and back at his house and then hung out in the sun. Needless to say the scones were gone. Today I feel happy and content.....Mary is doing fine....there have been an easiness to the day. A friend is stopping by tonight from Colorado for a little bit as we will probably go get some indian Food. I was able to do a full pranic cancer protocol for healing on Mary and her pain is lessened. It makes me feel like there is something able to help with the pain besides drugs. Have a wonderful evening. I love you all and am glad for a very nice day. , lg

Today is a better day than yesterday

It seems that each day brings with it different challenges. One day you are full of hope and we will beat this thing attitude and the next pain or a scan or something brings you to the proverbial knees. I went with Mom to her cardiologist in Springfield on Tuesday. Since I cover three states it is relatively easy to schedule a meeting with the state the same day as an appt. for Mom in the afternoon. It just makes for a long day of driving. Mom's stress test showed some changes that may reflect a worsening of her heart and due to the fact that she has had a silent heart attack in the past...ie with no symptoms, they want to make sure that there is not something that might give her cause for ischemia. The end of this is they will do more tests on Nov 8th just to check out her arteries. Dad had another stroke last night and we are just counting down now....I've been very sad about the whole thing and will attempt to see him soon. Mary is hanging in there and trying to walk more to build up strength. I've checked into home PT as it would be hard for her to go back to the PT place at this point. I would be there with her as I want to make sure she is safe. We are looking forward to hanging out this weekend together.

I will share with you the highlight of my week. When I got to the clinic Mom was sitting there dressed in a yellow jogging outfit, black keens, black shirt and black/yellow stripped scarf. I did call her a bumble bee. As I am sitting there I kept smelling dog poo. I checked my shoes, my armpits(just to make sure it wasn't my stink), her walker wheels and shoes....(she was busy filling out a form). Finally she noticed my moving around alot and asked what I was doing. I said that I smelled dog poo and she replied "Oh, that's me". Turned out that she had used a tide stain stick on the front of her jacket and somehow the interaction with the microfiber material ended up smelling like dog poo. Seriously like Dog poo. They called us back to the cardiology suite.....and she said to the nurse that if she smelled something...that it was her. The nurse naturally enquired about this experience and ended up smelling the jacket.....to which she exclaimed...it does smell like dog poo. Mom had taken off her jacket and I noticed tissue hanging out the back of her shirt. I started pulling and eventually had to pull out her waist band on her pants to retrieve the very long piece of toilet paper that had gotten caught on her backside. We all started laughing so hard with the TeePee and the Dog Poo and all the silliness of poo that we were doubled over....Mom and I got the giggles. Eventually, other staff came in cause we were making so much noise laughing...and then they started laughing. Mom ended up with the name dog poo toilet paper lady. It was very funny. My Mom and I can sure laugh and Mary loves it when we get the giggles. I think I'll just leave you all with that one....xo lg

Mary and I pictures

I love this woman

The blog starts up again

Hi all, I decided to start up the blog again as I've been sending out emails and find i sit waiting for people to respond to validate to let me know that life exists outside of caregiving, work and cancer. I find my self reactional to whether people respond back, who responds back, how people are if they don't respond back, and how I sensor myself. This way if you want to read, you can...just know I always appreciate replies and want to know how people are doing. I stopped the old one because Mary hated the fact that I misspell everything. The fact that I was always the first one down in a spelling bee and it has always been a source of shame my simple speech and simple writing. Those who know me, and you all do....know that my brain is brilliant in somethings and I am amazed at the way it works and can visualize things....but in other ways not. So the hell with it.....you get me how I am, however I am in the moment. Life is to short to worry about spelling. I've always thought the dictionary is messed up cause you have to know how to spell a word to be able to look it up.......if I knew that I wouldn't have to look it up. I wore a pair of shoes at work for a year with the name spelled down the soul in the middle and never knew what it said. I would not do word puzzles for extra credit at school cause I could never find anything if it was not spelled in a line from left to right. when Carrie or Mel spell words out instead of saying them...it takes me a while to figure out what they are saying. My mind is a visual matrix of amorphous forms that float into view and form pieces of puzzles. I can see my car like I'm above it......on a map moving accross a state or where it is in relationship to other towns, the state, the country....I can picture the topographical layout of a region....mile for mile. I can picture the structure of neurochemicals and drugs bonds/the ionic clouds of atoms and how they float and interact with receptor sites...how their size changes depending on the chemical substitutions....I read medicinal chemistry texts for fun.....I can visualize the organs inside the body and how they work and pump blood, I can visualize the chakras and see them move in the body, expelling energy and absorbing, what size they are and what energy level they are.... I can see stuff in peoples body sometimes and tell you that you need to go to the doctor for an evaluation....I can picture the angles on something I want to make in my head...before I measure or make it......I told the guy that made mary and my wedding rings that the stone was not set correctly....he and I argued.....when he measured it it was a millimeter off.....I can tell you what angle something is...most of the time I can tell you what note something is in a scale....sometimes I can think about it and hit it.....I can tell you based on the pitch where something will vibrate in the body based on the density of the organ that the frequency is attunned to ....I can sing into your body and hear the changes in the body based on different densities of the internal body....tell you what's different and how it works for healing.....I can create lots of stuff visually....but I can't spell worth a damn......cause I cannot visualize each letter and how it fits together in a word. So there....it's out, everyone knows, I'm glad, I will continue to miss spell lots of things.....but you know who to come to in order to see something. That is all for today...xo lg