Day on the Road-New experiences at home

Adjustment; I started out at 7am this morning and home at 9:30pm. Long ass work day. Meditation this am.....ususally keeps me sane. Lately, home is too quiet and I think I'm readying myself for some new experience and moving toward the yoga space that would have more energy within these walls. It will be a place for my meditation group and for me to take up the space upstairs with yoga. I've gotten to enjoy the bed of late. Cutting off 16 inches...making the temperpedic from a King to a Queen has been an exorcism of the cancer part.(yes I am a country girl who didn't want to buy a new bed so I cut the old one with a sharpened bread knife-thank you Racheal for your help) Mary's sweat was orange during the chemo and stained so much...she would sweat alot at night. So I kept the love making part of our bed and cut off the place that was about pain and immobility and breaking things. I carried the 16 by 80 inch piece of foam and pitched it down three floors to the earth.....something so big to do and when it hit...it hardly made a sound.....made the bed up and tucked the king size stuff underthe bed to make a queensize experience. As I free myself from angst...though some one said today....for God sake's LG you are human.....I free myself to feel the grief of the last couple of months. My jaw has stopped spasming as much when I cry cause I'm trying to relax and rub my chin and jaws so they relax. Ive never had the level of tears that I've experienced of late.

Someone said the famous words "you'll get through this" to which I've started to say..."through what" to that. Yes, emotions come and go, so do thoughts, so do pains and lonliness and fears and joys......this is my life.....the life of being here alone in the quiet with just the silence....my master chanting OM the cats on the desk and me....trying to figure out how to exercise enough, get work done....eat smaller amts/healthy'r things and who to call that I haven't called lately cause I don't want to be the vortex of unmet need. I could call 80-100 people and the fact is that the one person I want to call and talk over my day with is Mary. The other people I love, glad to experience, help me to remember how to breathe...that life is good, that I'm lucky and grateful for their love. Say things that I hang onto like a rope off the edge of a cliff and make me remember that I'm not supposed to get over it...there are no rule....that considering what life has been like the last couple of years....it is no wonder that I'm feeling stuff. How to accept this life that has been delt....to focus on what/who is here.....to try to include all from the past as part of what brought me to now and be open to possibility of the future....cause I really got no plans or dreams at the moment. They died when Mary did and I've got to figure how to have dreams/plans hopes. Man I miss Mary so much.....I can't even begin to say......

In the last two days, Al's answering machine got zapped in a lightning storm and Rose turned off Mary's cell phone. I asked her to keep it on.........it was bundled with two others and they are both still on........one more thing to grieve I guess. Just add it to the list. I would call and leave her messages when I missed her...it was a comfort to hear her voice. Al is really upset as those were the last two recordings we had of Mary's voice. Her cell and Al's machine. It is on the answering message at home....but very short...just the number. I can't imagine changing this. I'm hoping I can find other snippits of her talking. I tried to video tape her at home...but each time we started....we'd start to cry as it was confirmation she was not going to live. We tried so hard to stay in the positive frame of mind. We did for the most part I think......I sure wish we had said screw it and just run away for a month together. I'm not sure when that would have been as it seemed we were always dealing with some sort of health crisis...whether it was surgeries, chemo side effects...Mary trying to work and help the business or something. I'm taking a video class at apple to try to help retrieve video's we have...even if it is just a minute of her talking...it is still good. Toward the end I felt like I was caring for her so she could work....it wore her out so much....yet she still went there for her clients. She worried so much about the business.

Well, I have alot to do at the moment....I have to get up early so I'm off to bed soon. Thank you to all who read....... xoxo lg

One month later

I wear four bracelets at the moment: one that says Love; 2nd: live bold(trust your instincts); 3: Yes I can; 4: I'm always with you. I got two for Mary York in 2006 and two for me recently. Most of the time I'm okay....lately the quiet alone time that I so craved much of my life has been difficult. When I meditate I feel okay...when I don't I feel okay but not as good as when I do meditate. I feel Mary's presence around me.....each moment...sometimes each breath I take. Holding on to small nuances as the days pass....I'm really looking forward to spending time with my Mom and especially going on vacation in June. It has been a long time since I've just had time to loaf. I'm toying with not taking a computer which would be a huge thing. I sometimes go most of the day without talking to someone except the cats. They are right by me most of the time....even pearl has taken to visiting in the daylight which is unusual for her. Not much has changed since my last writing except I'm no longer angry...just resigned. Focusing on who is here.....who I love and who I can count on. We are all evolving...we all make mistakes....it is part of life....god loves us-the god the not so good and the really terrible. I forgive and let go.....Atma Namaste. I say this each and every day. It is good that I know emotions are just that.....that I'm not the emotions, the thoughts or any other "thing" except the soul. This brings me great comfort. My soul mate is still here....just can't touch her or hear her talk with a voice that is audible in nature.

I still remember Mary's passing as one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. The other was when we first kissed. I'm lucky in love and lucky to have found my sole mate...in Mary York. I miss her so much.....the nights between 9pm and 11pm are the hardest....normally I'd be helping Mary get to bed, helping her undress, lifting her into bed. tucking her in and kissing her gently. I took to kissing her arms and hands as they were the only place that was not sore or in risk of breaking. I even kissed her arm before I closed the casket. Funny how I had to do everything...this body I had loved so many times....I had to be there to clean her up after she died....I could not leave for four hours....God bless Mom, Cat, Bonnie and Mel for sitting there with me.....I had to put her jewelry on and take it off....I covered the body and locked the casket. I closed the door when the hurst drove away. Mel and I put her ashes in the urn from the cardboard box in which they came. How do you say good by to what you have cherished. I'm not sure as I think I will always be married to Mary York.

Mary knew me so well. May 3rd is my brothers birthday...June 2nd is the death date. It is like it is wedged in my internal time clock and I become slowed in most things. She would say just get through the spring...she loved it so that it helped me through this time. Just be gentle with myself....I try and will continue to love myself no matter what state I am in. I just know that I will be okay.....I've been left here in this plane for some reason. The key is to figure it out.

I'm off to Springfield in the am...i guess I should get home before long. Yoga class was nice tonight. love, lg