It has been over a week since I have writen. I'm back from my first week back at work and very tired. I'm caught up in the feeling of wanting to talk with Mary, the sense of waiting. Sometimes it is waiting for her to call, to walk in, to hear her voice, to feel better, sometimes it is waiting for the next wave of sadness when I'm joyful, sometimes it is for joy to come, many times it is just waiting to figure out what to do next. I have had three dreams since Mary's passing. One my mother drove accross the backyard at my parents house in my old Datsun B210...it was royal blue with red/white stripe..1977 so for the bicentenial colors. I opened the door and my Dad was in the back seat. I asked him where she had the car...he said i don't know...she keeps alot of stuff. Mom said, "I kept this for you cause I thought you might need it". Funny how I left home in that car to go to college and became an adult. I asked Mom how she survived my brothers death, she said "I don't think I did, part of me died when he did". It is one of the wisest things I have ever heard. Part of me died when Mary did as it represented the end of a life that I counted on...mine and hers as partners in this physical plane. I have to start over and build a life that will be mine and different. One doesnt' lose what one had.......but it just is a new life now. Sometimes I'm excited about it.....other times I just don't know. The things that are freeing are the things that are really weird. Like, who should I list as an emergency contact. Every time I travel for work, I have to list this. If something happens to me.....I don't want them to call my Mom. Who do I call when I get off the plane to tell them I'll be home in 45 minutes from the airport. How do I cook for one person and who cares anyway.
The 1st dream.....I was looking for Mary and could not find her. The other my Ex was dying and I could do nothing to stop it. Go figure......
I cannot figure out if there is something I'm supposed to learn, do or be from this experience. I know I am strong, have a more open heart, more compassion, more everything....more graditude.....I'm having to learn how to live differently from the physical standpoint...that of finances and just the way I am in my body. It feels good to be physically active. i realized I had slowed to Mary's pace in so many ways of doing things....then I would be really fast to get things done when on my own. Both were out of balance. So, I'm moving more and this feels good. I actually bought a pair of tennis shoes. For those of you who know me, this is a rare experience as I think they are not proper shoes. However, I like them alot and feel springy in them.
I was told that the next experience may happen but was not sure how to be ready for it....
People who were around the most are gone......some of our close people cannot see me not returning calls because it hurts to much. How weird is that. I get it but I also know that the only way we heal is together. I feel abandoned but some but knowing that chasing after someone is an old pattern that I chose not to repeat. So I've decided not to put energy there by calling and just know people will come back as they can. There are others who call daily if they haven't heard from me and meet me where ever my emotional state is....if I am happy they are too, if I'm crying they cry with me...if I'm busy they are okay with me talking later. For this I am so grateful....some call when they are having a hard time...this is okay too as it makes me not feel alone in my grief....I may stop folks if I can't go there at the moment...i.e. I have to be on for something like work/talk etc. I'm so grateful for this intimacy of friends that developed through Mary's experience ... she has left me with such gifts. I have difficulty when I say I'm okay and people say "really?" Well actually....yes at this moment. Call at 3 am and you might get a different story....but both are part of the process. Someone called and said talked about the first month aniversary and how they wanted to be there for me, that it would be a hard day, etc, etc,....I actually had not thought about it cause I'm more focused on minute by minute. Now I'm aware that today is the first month....it seems such a short time ago that I kissed her coffin and closed the door. Mel (god love her) came over last night and we transferred Mary's ashes from the cardboard box to an urn. We cried, tried not to spill any, chanted Om Mani Padme Hum.....sat on the bed holding hands with our feet on each other and talking about Mary.
Elizabeth, Mary's cleaning lady for 20 years was over a few weeks back and I showed her the ashes in the cardboard box. Thank God I did cause she told me this story about how she had knocked a box off the mantle and it had opened scattering dirt everywhere....she had put as much as she could back and vacuumed the rest.....the man returned home and said it was his mother. OMG...... I have a beautiful altar set up in the bedroom next to the bed. It gives me comfort in the night. Elizabeth also told me I was a young woman and would take another lover...that I would have to put Mary in the closet cause she couldn't not be in the room. I thought, have you ever actually thought about putting Mary in the Closet....well, one doesn't ever contemplate that experience. She was the most out person I know. I was proud to be on her arm and proud of her. I miss her so much, there are no words for this................................
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Visiting Marilyn in Montana and spending time at my bosses house was lovely....they had lovely spaces set up for me to be...I cried when I walked into Marilyn's home and saw the care/the welcome.....my boss had 600 thread count sheets.....I've never slept on anything so soft in my life. Marilyn has a lovely place and such comfort in her presence and in her living space. The eyes, light, space and organization...for me this was Zen. I would like to have this at home and have been inspired to work towards that goal: esp, office. The sensory experience of touch is one that I have missed and miss from Mary. The last two years I have looked to friends for big hugs...as these could potentially break Mary's back or ribs. I developed elaborate pillow towers to support my weight as we slept so I could lay next to her. I enjoyed spooning her back the last month so I could be a human chair for her to sit up on the edge of the bed. One memory I cherish from the last day of her life was sitting in her hospital bed with her and acting as her back rest...her back resting on my torso to be able to sit up. I was able to kiss her shoulders and tell her I loved her with my physical presence.
I did spend time with a yoga buddy which was good but difficult. She has somewhat of a shrine that is her house to her family who passed before her. It didn't feel like her in the house except for the island of her bedroom....it was an oasis of light. This is one of my biggest fears......of getting stuck in the grief....what to keep what to not keep. How to have my home......do I keep our bedroom as it is....do I move downstairs, do I use Mary's office or mine....sometimes our bedroom is a sanctuary...sometimes I can hardly walk into the room. What if I change something and it doesn't feel right........Our king bed will not fit downstairs..only a full or a queen....it is too hot for me downstairs as I sleep best when it is about 62-65 and our tenants like it at 70 which just costs more for my heating bill but they don't like it colder at night. This or that...monkey mind. I promised Mary that I would take a year with no big changes and am seeking counsel about this.....How do I honor our relationship...feel comforted by our love/our home/ our oasis and move forward with life.....I know one thing......Mary will always be a part of my life and my heart. I'm grateful to feel her and feel her presence ...especially during meditation. I don't want her to lower her vibration to come down here....it takes alot for the soul to do this. So, I have to increase my vib to go up and see her. I figure that is why she has not been in my dreams....I can access her in the conscious plane where others can only do it when they are asleep. I do know it takes alot of her energy...thus I want her to use it to assend to higher planes...thus I do not ask her to visit. I figure the higher she goes, the better life we have next time around. I do believe we will be together again.
Mary was able to leave two hours after she made the formal decision and told the doctor....To be able to exit the body, two hours after you say you are done, now that is good karma...no more suffering when you decide you are done. Most people never have that choice...and she did make a choice about living or dying. My aunt Sue has been saying that she wished she would die for 15 years...she will be 96 in march. I'd prefer Mary's way...make that final decision and poof...you done.
Well, Iv'e been writing for awhile and I need to go see Al....i'm looking forward to seeing he and the family....the drive upthere....I'll cry...I know this cause I always drive to her Dad's with her.
Thank you for keeping up ....for your prayers and love, xoxox lg
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