My friend Marilyn has encouraged me to keep writing. The last two years have been about Mary, I so wanted the visitiation and funeral to be about Mary's life, honoring her. This we accomplished. Now it is about me and I'm not sure how to organize that. It seemed like if there was a goal for which I could have a cognitive, emotional, physical and spiritual imput I okay. It was a big deal healing, caring for, being present for Mary. It was what she needed and I was there....many people were there for us. I am so grateful for all the love, caring, being there that was a part of it....but now what.
Mom and I traveled home the 31st of Jan/Thur and it took us 26 hours. We finally pulled into Quincy at 3pm on Friday. Dad was so glad to see us. It turns out that on the 23rd that his blood pressure took a nose dive but he rallied for which I am grateful not to have the same death date for my father as for Mary. I made nursing home rounds for my godmother, godfather, father and had a nice talk with my Aunt. She will be 96 in March and has lost two great loves of her life. One from young days....they had 43 years to gether and he has been gone 30. She feel in love the second time at 85 years old and had a lovely 5 year relationship with Art. He was 90 and died at 96. The were lovely together and I quite abit of time with them in their apt talking about life. My aunt called this love her senior love and when I asked her how Art made her feel she said that no matter what she did it was if Art was proud of her all the time. The look in their eyes and the smiles they gave to each other was heart warming and full of love. I asked two of their friends who had been together for 60-some years what was the secret to their marriage. The female half said "well, there are in love times and out of love times....when the out of love times hit.....you just have to remember that the in love times come back.....you fall in love all over again" her husband's reply was "sometimes I had to hide her shoes" This took me a minute to get but his wry humor gave me a belly laugh that still makes me smile today.
The last 3 weeks have been like birth. I realize how tired I am, how much I am glad Mary is out of pain, how I have no what if's cause I truely believe that we did everything we could, that I did everything I could and that there were no more stones left unturned....that I did so right by Mary York...........I expected her last day to be filled with I love you and words.....I realize that we had said everything to each other the last two years. Her last day was the process of dying. I so am glad for the words we mouthed to each other.....she said "I love you baby" to which I looked her in the eye and said I love you too. One other time she woke up and winked at me. What a way to go out of this life.
I will tell you that the moment she died it was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced...like being on a mountain top lifted by angels...the room filled with light and I felt like giant angel wings enclosed over us and pulled her from the shell of the body. I just keep saying go baby, go. go baby go...... I realized everyone was crying and then I cried. I was able to sit with the body for four hours.....Mom, Bonnie, Cat and Mel sat with us. I did not want her moved. It was surreal to feel how detached I was from the body....this body whom I loved, made love to, cared for, my heart skipping a beat to hear the voice, to see the body walk into a room, to feel comforted in all.....it wasn't Mary any more...she was gone. It was good..she was out of pain. I don't wish that back. I wish Mary was here....but I don't wish her back..... More later...love, lg
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2 comments:
LG thanks for sharing your inner dialog. Your experiences help me to understand something more deeply about love.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I know this is hard and you make the end a beautiful experience. It was the same for my grandmother. I am so grateful that I could have her pass in my arms. I will treasure that forever. You know that they did not want to be alone and be with the one they love.
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