Sunday the 18th of November

As Thanks giving approaches we have alot to give thanks for....last year at this time, Mary was home from the Hospital Oct 26th and we were gearing up for another surgery on the arm. At that point last year we were both very scared & reeling from a constant onslaught of surgery and negative scan results. This year, scans are positive; no surgeries are in sight; Only one night in the hospital in over a year; most of the medical bills are paid off except for a huge one that the insurance and hospital cannot agree upon. Mom's scans came out well, her arteries look good. She has a few calcium deposits in the heart but non interfere with blood flow. She is sticking with her diabetes diet and says she has more energy. Mary is doing well with the walker thing...She says the only thing she hates is when people look at her she feels they pity her. I don't walk in her shoes so can't say much here. I do know that much of the time I don't tell our story when people ask cause we need believing eyes. Believing eyes are what you get when you say Mary is doing well. Non-believing eyes is what you get when you tell the story: of cancer: of surgeries: of struggles currently. Thought forms have energy and we want the most positive thoughts coming both our ways. Actually this commentary is so true: there are reminders everywhere: Watch what you ask for .... you may get it; Lord make my words sweet cause tomorrow I may have to eat them; If you think it enough-it just might happen; Self-fullfilling prophesy's; all this. I like the premise of the secret but I do think that one has to have all the knowledge and at the same time have all the positive visualization. Mary and I found this out the hard way when she first got diagnosed and we both were in denial. You need a good doctor who is willing to balance fact with hope when talking about these things. If it weren't for Miss Supie...I'm not sure where we'd be. I've started to put my hand on my forehead and wipe my thoughts off the slate with my right hand. I do this quite often and the other day I was in my car waiting to pick upsomeone and was wiping my thought slate clean when someone walked over to my car and asked me if I wanted something. They thought I was waving. It did make me laugh and I decided that if I had to look funny in order to keep my thoughts positive...so be it. I wipe the negative thoughts of my slate and replace it with positive affirmations. It works really well as does thinking back over your day as you are going to bed and imagining yourself doing things differently for those things you didn't do well. You just erase what you did, ask for forgiveness, forgive the other person and imagine the situation differently with you acting in a way that is win-win or respectful or right thought/right action. It is alot more restful sleeping. We are all trying and we all make mistakes.

Today I've let myself have a sad day. The level of estrogen in my body is minimal and with that comes a level of lethargy that is very heavy. It is hard when you have to rehearse the muscle actions that it takes to get off the couch or do anything that requires action. I know this type of day is headed my way when the body hurts before it gets out of bed in the morning. I did blow leaves in the yard and go to the grocery store....mainly because Mary said...will you get out of the house for a little bit. We will have left overs tonight and I'll do work tonight so that I can have longer in the am for meditation/yoga. This will get me started well. The lambskin rug I bought last week at Cost co is still on the couch and I lay on it and pretend it is a fluffy hug. Mary is starting to bug me to take it off the couch and up to the yoga space. I think I will put it under my meditation chair. Hopefully missy will leave it alone as she has taken to kneeding it and then wrapping up into a ball for sleep.

Well, I love you all. It is almost time for american's funniest home videos. Sunday eve..mary and I rarely miss it cause it gives us endorphins. I love you all...keep in touch. I do miss the emails. xoxox lg