The drive home

Sometimes I sit with Mary and we laugh....it is like the old times.....like she has never been sick. I have never known anyone with whom I feel more at home, in love and just grateful we found each other. Tonight, as I follow her up the stairs......backpack on my pack...her walker on my shoulder.....my eyes never leaving her because I know the body is tired and I tell her to let me help her cause it is the most risky for her as she climbs the stairs cause she is tired. Riding in the car is hard on her. How I know each bump on lake shore drive hurts her and try to avoid each pot hole. My hand on her leg like I can protect her from pain by my touch. Leaving our stuff in the car cause I just can't carry more at this moment.
The meds, some saving her life....others trying to give her a life without pain.....she watches the clock cause she can predict the time by when the pain meds wear out. She said she'd like to have one day where she felt normal and not fragile....I asked her what she would do if her body was able: She said three things really: I won't share the first one; the second; go for a long walk and the third-work in the garden. Such things that one takes for granted when you can do it.....Mary York has high standards but few needs. We were planning on going to Italy last year and see Tuscany. She would still like to go and I don't want to go too far from medical care but I also get wanting to go for trips of a lifetime...etc. etc. She wants to go to mexico and sit on the beach. My thought about renting a handicapped RV is blown as the only place they rent them is in BC...not enough need for them here in the US. Austin was kind of a bust considering the broken leg & issues therein. Well, I feel I'm rambling...Mary is in bed and I'm watching bad gay TV. much love, lg

Friday-I've been to Target already

HI all, I joined the energy of the morning and went to Target at 7pm. They had a 19 inch TV with a DVD player in it I've been eyeing for about 2 months but refused to spend 329.00 for it on sale for 199.00 Needless to say, they had a palete of them and I'm the proud owner of a new TV. This is good as the one I use for my own musings does not have a remote and I wanted one that I could watch DVD's or TV when on that torture device called a stationary bicycle. I love to exercise if I can be out in the woods, going for a walk...but my life and my doctor say I need to get more cardiovascular exercise. I'm the proud owner of genes that entail both parents with heart attacks and though I have been very vigilant about my weight/exercise for the vast majority of my life....the last two years I've not done alot of intense physicality. Everything is fine on physical etc....but yoga to relax is not the same as getting the heart rate up. I was reading my friend Linda's blog this am and she speaks of issues of grief and of death and some of what it means to sit with the death of her Husband Keith. Keith was diagnosed around the same time as Mary and we spent lots of time sending each other music, food, love and comfort. Sometimes I call Linda up and she is there with me on the phone and we laugh, be stupid, cry or talk about if I need down time as caregiver. She is leaving today for Hawaii to spend a week with Mirka Kraftsow/yogi to work on her personal yoga practice. She wrote this a couple of weeks ago.....


Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room.I am I, you are you,Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.Call me by the old familiar name.Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.Put no difference into your tone.Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.Laugh as we always laughed,at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.Let it be spoken without an effort,without a ghost of a shadow upon it.Life means all that it ever meant.It is the same a it ever was.There is absolute and unbroken continuity.What is death but a negligible accident?Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?I am but waiting for you. For an interval,somewhere very near, just round the corner.All is well,-Henry Scott Holland

Linda writes-As one of the co-travelers along this route, I have to say, I have had better trips. Since I last talked with you all, I have slipped twice into that whole ( pun intended) known as grief. I gave myself some space the first dip down but this second one has my inner critic screaming. " I thought you would be over this by now"! " How much is enough? Already" “ People forget why you aren’t happy, that is why you are supposed to wear black!”I have even booked a trip to Maui for one week at the end of the month and I am not even excited about it. I feel as if it is something that will be good for me and hoping I can finish my yoga homework for my official Viniyoga teacher training certificate...Spent enough, thank you very much!.I am sure as the days arrive, I will get a little “joy” rush, but nothin now!I am learning to recognize the signs, (slowly) of this new emotion called grief. It has me wanting to recount the past, verses looking to the future and holding the present as precious. I can't seem to get there. And can I say, I am enjoying the distracting qualities of TV and wine. As my poem once read on the bedroom wall of my 3426 apartment on Janssen, “The I that is we of possibility can be spoken when two souls are opened like Pandora stepping out to dine on wildflowers and wine”.Now, the emotion of depression I do know something about. I can identify it. I can even tell you what brain chemicals are involved and what man-made and herbal chemicals and remedies relieve it. I can even tell you if it is symptomatic or chronic.This grief thing, however, has me a bit stumped. As promised, I am still trying to get through the book a second time. And as far as a "joy" list?, I can't really remember what used to bring me joy with the exception of yoga. Thank goddess for that. I am so grateful for my practice. Yoga is a magic bullet.I am not even sure if what used to bring me joy still would. I have a little experimenting to do, so my joy list will be of a different sort. Perhaps those things I have never tried that I might allow me to open into my spirit and connect with that innate right to joy would be a better tact for me. ( ...endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights like life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.). I like that.I have finally written the morning chant, mantra, prayer, intention or whatever you would like to call it. ( It will follow this blog entry) Something to practice for 108 days. You can make up your own or use this one.I hope all your journeys are filled with wonder and adventure, wherever they may lead you. -Linda

LG writes:

I've had a few experiences with Grief in the past......I lost my brother in 1980, my first boyfriend in an accident a few years later and my first girlfriend in an accident in 1988. I did think my world was over and spent alot of years trying to figure out why I was left. I guess it is kind of like cancer...why us....well why not. What I do know is that I do really get how to be a caregiver in all of this as it lauched me into this role of trying to find a way to make life better-a reason I was here. I did get so depressed around these losses. Yoga/Meditation is the only way that I know to get it out of the physicality of the body. Therapy & western/eastern interventions and friends/support to get it out of the mind-help it to move through; prayer to take care of the spirit and giving to others to allow the experience to move away for awhile until time has a healing touch. I've never quite figured out why people don't say my brothers name. Everyone gets so sad....his name was Gregory Lynn Bailey. GLB to my LGB. We were mirrors of each other. He was my protector and I idolized him. I still talk to him very often and he is always present with me and for me. The thing I miss are the smell of him and the hugs. (Even his farts as they were really stinky and his favorite thing to do was to fart and then grab me and try to push me into the stink-it was the original way I learned to squeal-Mary loves it when I squeal) I've looked at these losses and the people that I lost as the foundations of the sears tower. These loves in my life and are like the steel beams that form the foundation. As you look at the tower it gets smaller as you go up. Theses loves are the solid grounding on which I build my life. I can go really, really far but as one goes up..it is abit narrower at the top....you never lose all that you had....it just gets more quiet and more streamlined. The people you gather at this point are often on their own path..and are the floors. Each one has it's own beauty and are wonderful respites of color, warmth, clarity, view and a place to rest or work or sleep or love. If they are around long enough....they add to your steel beams of strength.....they allow you to go higher. are such a part of who made me and who I am.....am becoming. Eventually you get high enough....you touch the essence of God and the meditation you become one with that essence while you are still here in the body. It is very cool. I know why Greg climbed every mountain in the Tetons....My favorite picture is the one above my meditation alter. He has his climbing helmet on and a rope is hanging down...he is looking down and helping someone up higher. As I meditate....I feel he helps to pull me higher and will always be there to help me on my way. I'm very grateful. much love, LG

Sunday the 18th of November

As Thanks giving approaches we have alot to give thanks for....last year at this time, Mary was home from the Hospital Oct 26th and we were gearing up for another surgery on the arm. At that point last year we were both very scared & reeling from a constant onslaught of surgery and negative scan results. This year, scans are positive; no surgeries are in sight; Only one night in the hospital in over a year; most of the medical bills are paid off except for a huge one that the insurance and hospital cannot agree upon. Mom's scans came out well, her arteries look good. She has a few calcium deposits in the heart but non interfere with blood flow. She is sticking with her diabetes diet and says she has more energy. Mary is doing well with the walker thing...She says the only thing she hates is when people look at her she feels they pity her. I don't walk in her shoes so can't say much here. I do know that much of the time I don't tell our story when people ask cause we need believing eyes. Believing eyes are what you get when you say Mary is doing well. Non-believing eyes is what you get when you tell the story: of cancer: of surgeries: of struggles currently. Thought forms have energy and we want the most positive thoughts coming both our ways. Actually this commentary is so true: there are reminders everywhere: Watch what you ask for .... you may get it; Lord make my words sweet cause tomorrow I may have to eat them; If you think it enough-it just might happen; Self-fullfilling prophesy's; all this. I like the premise of the secret but I do think that one has to have all the knowledge and at the same time have all the positive visualization. Mary and I found this out the hard way when she first got diagnosed and we both were in denial. You need a good doctor who is willing to balance fact with hope when talking about these things. If it weren't for Miss Supie...I'm not sure where we'd be. I've started to put my hand on my forehead and wipe my thoughts off the slate with my right hand. I do this quite often and the other day I was in my car waiting to pick upsomeone and was wiping my thought slate clean when someone walked over to my car and asked me if I wanted something. They thought I was waving. It did make me laugh and I decided that if I had to look funny in order to keep my thoughts positive...so be it. I wipe the negative thoughts of my slate and replace it with positive affirmations. It works really well as does thinking back over your day as you are going to bed and imagining yourself doing things differently for those things you didn't do well. You just erase what you did, ask for forgiveness, forgive the other person and imagine the situation differently with you acting in a way that is win-win or respectful or right thought/right action. It is alot more restful sleeping. We are all trying and we all make mistakes.

Today I've let myself have a sad day. The level of estrogen in my body is minimal and with that comes a level of lethargy that is very heavy. It is hard when you have to rehearse the muscle actions that it takes to get off the couch or do anything that requires action. I know this type of day is headed my way when the body hurts before it gets out of bed in the morning. I did blow leaves in the yard and go to the grocery store....mainly because Mary said...will you get out of the house for a little bit. We will have left overs tonight and I'll do work tonight so that I can have longer in the am for meditation/yoga. This will get me started well. The lambskin rug I bought last week at Cost co is still on the couch and I lay on it and pretend it is a fluffy hug. Mary is starting to bug me to take it off the couch and up to the yoga space. I think I will put it under my meditation chair. Hopefully missy will leave it alone as she has taken to kneeding it and then wrapping up into a ball for sleep.

Well, I love you all. It is almost time for american's funniest home videos. Sunday eve..mary and I rarely miss it cause it gives us endorphins. I love you all...keep in touch. I do miss the emails. xoxox lg

Mary Drives to work

Mary drove to work today. I made her promise she would not try for four weeks...it's been five. As I was riding in the passenger seat I told her that she better not take any changes cause if something happened to me....she wouldn't have to worry about dying some day cause my Mom would kill her. I told Mom this and she giggled which is kind of funny and kind of sick. I'm off traveling the next couple of days so she is in the arms of our husband Gary....thank god for all our friends. Rose brought her home today.....I've been juggling everything and am soon to bed for I have a 7:30am flight tomorrow. Yoga class rocked tonight. It seems between my studies with Gary Kraftsow, with Master Choa Kok Sui and Master Cho that everything is coming together for teaching a great class. I feel I can teach in a way that is safe, respectful and deep...which adjusts easily to whomever is in class. From young folks to those with broken knees, backs, necks and wrists. I've been doing more guided meditation practice which has been very well received by the students. It is very sweet. I talked with Judith today, my friend from Toronto. We are going to go to California for the Yoga Therapy training in Sept of 08. I'll be with many people from my class again and my sister Linda from California. One of the things that is hard is making plans or not making plans. I can't think of any other type of travel I'd rather do that to be with my class studying yoga. The only other thing would be to be with Miss Mary. Judith and I talked alot about making plans, the fear that one won't be able to follow-through or in the mood or whatever.....the importance of making plans and having a life to look forward to. Mary and I may go back to california to the place we stayed last March. It was easy and accessable. If we could get the same room by the elevator there would be no surprises with regard to how she could get around. We'll see. An abrupt end but I am pooped and have to get up early. I love you allxoxox lg

Monday Morning

I haven't been able to do much this weekend except watch TV. We watched the Swiss Family Robinson, Something with Sally Field in which her daughter died, OutQ Laughbreak, and another movie which I cannot remember what it was. I sat by miss Mary and worked on the computer....fixed us food....spotted her when we went for a walk up and down our block. The thing about going into the hospital is that it is emotionally exhausting. Mary was intruded upon, poked and proded and though everyone was nice.....there is that point. We had a very nice lesbo oncology nurse who was a delight. She said to us both that if Mary was ever in pain (well-yes-all the time)....that they have a clinic that specifically deals with pain issues and they are very good. That she would get us hooked up. She has been with her partner 15 years and was very sweet to us....knew who Mary/I were based on LCCP and Mary's Law Firm. So this weekend we holed up together and slept alot and talked about life, how lucky we are to have found one another, how she is sorry we never had kids or had a big wedding. I'm lucky to have a gaggle of nieces/nephews from her side of the family and Ben, Maddie & Tommie here in Chicago. We've made reservations by Ann Arbor for Thanksgiving with all the kids and Cindy/Larry and got a handicapped accessable room. I find myself being really pissy about people not paying attn to Mary when we are out. I about took out some teenagers who almost fell on her because they were running backwards and being goofballs. I guess because of both her injuries have been at the hands of someone elses carelessness I'm hypervigilant. One of my pranic folks said I need to work on forgiveness more for these things....that it is just blocking me up. They are right I know....I will.....I do. There is so much that is not under any control.....and really nothing is...... Her right leg is quite swollen and I find myself worrying about it. Amato says that is the way it will be but I still find myself thinking about it and bugging Mary to wear compression hose on that leg. I'm successful with that about 60% of the time at night. My mother told me a story about her Dad. George LaCost....a little farmer. He was about 5'2 and 120 lbs of French man. Mom said he would never worry about anything he couldn't do anything about. He made good wine and had a truck patch......many acres of corn and soybeans in Missouri. He was 52 when Mom was born and she was always his baby. I remember him and he would play bear with me as a toddler. He would get down on the floor and growl at me and I'd hide under the dining room table...then I would squeal and he'd throw me on his back and crawl around on his hands and knees. Mom would yell at him but he would laugh. Since I was 5 when he died at 92 so he must of been close to 90 for these playtimes. When he was thinking about things...he could reach down and grab a wad of dirt between his fingers and roll perfect marbles. These would be set in the sun and they would dry....Mom still has a few of them. Anyway, when Mom was a teenager the old farmhouse caught on fire and Mom ran to get Granpa. They were running toward the fire and Granpa stopped and grabbed dirt and started rolling it in his hand...continuing to walk much more leisurely toward the commotion. Mom chastised him a little....his comment was "LaCena-I can tell by the flames that there is nothing I can do" He lived his life that way till age 92. He also ate a raw onion like an apple every day and chewed his food 100 times each bite. He never had a stomach problems that is for sure. Mom admires him and wants to be a little more like him. I thought he had the most beautiful blue eyes that sparked when he laughed. Mary's Mom had those eyes. Mary was crying some yesterday and frustrated with not being able to pick things up off the floor when she dropped stuff and how she needs help for alot of things. I gently reminded her that her Mom had great lessons about taking things in stride. That she had taught me how to accept limitations with grace and with laughter. Even when her mom had trouble remembering things...she did so with laughter and sais "oh I'm crazy". Mary brightened after that some and the rest of our evening was nice together. We are looking forward to getting away for thanksgiving and feeling a little normal. They guys are installing a buzzer/intercom for the front door today. This way Mary can see who is there and we can make sure the house is more secure. Well, I'm off towork. Have a busy week of travel so Gary will be hanging out with Mary Tuesday/Wed. I love you. lg

I dont have any answers

Mary is doing fairly well today though in a cranky mood. Nancy came by and did a pranic healing session for me. It was very, very nice and I felt better. She asked me how many patients I saw at the VA when I worked there and said I had enough emotional chords to my back fill a hospital. You see people attache to you like you attache to them. Each one forms a band. Unless you learn how to detach....you just drag all their baggage and yours too. I never knew how to detach. I would take my patients problems to heart and try to fix things that were out of my control. Kind of like what I do with Mary..... What I've learned in pranic healing....detachment is important because it allows you to leave your own stuff out of it and just be about their needs to heal. I try but how to have some effect with keeping your affect. I'll write more later. xo lg

From Tammy Bosler...I really liked it

As part of my training(Tammy and I trained with the same teacher-LG), I am studying the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. A discussion about an idea in the Sutras came up recently when one of the other students in the training sent this great parable to me:
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.
Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me what you see.”
“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked,
“What does it mean, mother?”
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
“Which are you?” she asked her daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee?
Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and fl avor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
So what does this have to do with the Sutras? Sutras II-33, “Vitarkabadhane pratipaksabhavanam”, which translate to, basically “When there is clouded thinking, reframing the way you look at a situation may help to produce clarity.”
In the wonderful parable, the coffee doesn’t simply respond to the water, it alters the water itself. If I am the coffee grounds going into the struggle of boiling water, as time progressed, and I am sitting in the boiling water, the situation would be changing. Because of my actions, as a coffee bean (releasing the chemicals to merge with the water), the boiling water is reshaped into boiling coffee - for all of you coffee drinkers, you know that is a much better situation than boiling water.
According to my teacher, you are not who you think you are when afflicted thoughts arise. In the case of the coffee beans, they went into the water thinking they were beans, when, in fact, they were the impetus for a great cup of coffee. If it wasn’t for going into the boiling water, their true purpose would not have been realized. I like this parable because the coffee beans also left their imprint when turning something harsh into something great. That, and I like coffee

Meditation is the key

I have to meditation in the am. Make a schedule and stick to it my teacher says. So, most of the time I do pretty well.....sometimes I just feel like a fetus. Curled up, eyes closed, looking for someone/something to provide the nurishment. I guess that is what one looks for with addiction of any kind....food, work, drugs, alcohol....if one can make something else/someone else responsible for the peace that one experiences......outer nurishment is attained. To be born, to grow up, to take responsibility...what ever it may be......life. My musings are about the connection to the divine, higher soul, spiritual oneness, God, primodial muffin with all of us being the chips or whatever one pictures as the place where we are connected and the place that is unchanging. My yoga teachers teacher allowed one question on his 100th birthday. That question was "on what to meditate" Isvara Pranidana (sp) was the answer...in essence God, the quality of God with in you....the connection. This is what is unchanging and in which we can put our being/trust......everything else changes....is not constant.....and is in the process of each day of life is one day closer to death. This life we have a little bit of our God-essence poured into this body. The more in union we are with that essence...the closer we are to the purusa...the Unchanging observer that is within us all......it allows us to tolerate prakriti....or the material. The material being that which changes...our emotions, our thoughts, our aches, pains...our stuff...our attachements....scans....ups and downs.....the life that we live day to day. It is all energy....and like all energy....if fluctuates, changes, is high low and is always in flux. Yoga, meditation allows a piece of sanity in it.....fortunately.....meditation is as easy as pushing play on the CD player or my Ipod. So, I'm off for yoga practice to get the body ready to meditation...and to meditate. Then for a day of work for which I am very grateful to BMS. Thank you for being part of my life in this day to day practice. xoxo lg

More good news...Mary has arthritis

So the other piece we got good news about it that the arm pain Mary was having is just arthritis....not cancer. Whew....Hooo. xo lg

9.2 is a great number

Yes the Hemoglobin has risen. Mary was admitted last night for a blood transfusion. Her hgb was 6.9; a low number and inconsistent with oxygenation. We knew this would be the case occasionally. I was thinking last night that it was Oct 26th, 2006 that Mary last had a discharge from the hospital. Considering everything....that is pretty impressive. She had some tears yesterday and is always very emotional on the day of scans. I generally join her in this emotionality but doing lots of meditation this weekend shored up my feeling side.....and allows me not to collapse in the emotion part. This way I can be more supportive for her emotions. Sometimes she does the same for me as about every 3 months I get to have a crying jag. I have a big cry for about 15 minutes....and then I'm done. She and I talked about emotions as energy....how the energy passes as long as you don't block it. Kind of like energy down a power cord.....as long as there are no blocks...we conduct the experience though our bodies....as we focus more on the things that are important....connection with others, our own sense of divine...how change is just part of the everyday experience of life...if we can flow with it....how sometimes we don't have to plug in to the crisis emotion or the freak emotion or the whatever emotion and just have the feelings...move onto or back to a place of peace. I have a couple of talks today so our husband Gary(thank you) will bring Mary home from the hospital....of course she says she is going right to the office. I just look at her and say Okay. I don't say much except okay unless I feel she is in danger of hurting herself.....or I feel my idea could save her strain on the body, mind or emotions. I figure that is my job as her lover/partner/caring person. Her will is what is keeping her wanting to be here and I am all for that. I just keep repeating the mantra..."That you God that Mary is responding to the medication and will continue to respond to it". With great faith, love and gratitude...so be it." It keeps the fear away and the negative thoughts....as thoughts are also energy and they can hang around. What you think about the most comes to be. So I think of us in Michigan, I think of us around the dinner table....I think of Mary in her easily movable body. I think of the doctors telling us the cancer is completely gone from the body....I think of her at 80 and me at 74 smiling at each other. I dream of us alot....she is never in pain. Well, enough of that....Have to get down to Northwestern and see my baby. xoxo lg

Tuesday..more tests..

We are at Nortwestern. Mary's trip to Houston will be next month and they are letting us do our appt here in Chicago and just send the results to Houston. Evidently, if you are responding and doing fairly well they then let you go every 2 months. We will be there in December to See Dr. amato and have more scans. Mary did not sleep well last night. She never does before a scan...thus I do not either. Her mind races with all the possibilities......I just keep thanking God for continued response to the medicine and to all the other things we are doing. I saw Dad this weekend.....we had a very nice visit and he remembered me straight away. We sat and held hands and had a talk about stuff......he very coherently told me that I would be alright and that he loved me. It was a blessing and I am very grateful to have those words from him. He has failed dramatically since my last visit. I just ask that he slip away in his sleep...that there be no more drama for him because he deserves integrety and gentleness....what he was always known for in this life. I put him to bed...and was able to sing his favorite song to him. He sighed gently as he feel to sleep. I could not have asked for more. Mom had a bad cold but the pot of garlic chicken soup seemed to help as well as a bust up boat load of pranic healing late at night. The weekend away was good and I feel more rested and relaxed getting a couple of good nights of sleep. Mary and I go to sleep about 10 pm. I ususally get up about 7 and she usually needs to stay in bed to 10am or 11am. She is up alot at night either taking pain pills or peeing. I hold the covers up for her when she gets back into bed. I think I do it in my sleep. I'm always listening with one ear open. Pearl has taken to cuddling me at night. She is either on the pillow next to my head, on top of my stomach....if I'm on my stomach she sleeps on my lower back...it is kind of like she is attached and I find it very comforiting. Well, Mary is out of her PFT's ....we are off to blood draws and infusion. xoxox lg